


The First Time

by annieoakley1



Category: Hunger Games (2012), Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-17
Updated: 2013-01-17
Packaged: 2017-11-16 11:50:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 36,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/539115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annieoakley1/pseuds/annieoakley1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everlark the summer of 2012.  When Peeta is about to go off to college, Katniss starts to see him in a different light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Time

The first time she really, truly considers it is early May.

The week before _The Avengers_ is released, Gale’s as excited as a kid on Christmas Eve.  Katniss is more a TV fan than movies, and she knows next to nothing about comics, but she agrees to see it with them because it’s not like there’s anything else good playing in the theaters.

To Gale’s absolute devastation they can’t go to the midnight showing.  They have school and he has an 8 a.m. lecture the next day and it’s too close to finals to blow anything off.  But they meet at the Waterfront for the last matinee showing.  It’s packed.

As her best friend heads immediately for the concession stand so he can load up on a week’s pay worth of junk food, Peeta tries to explain some of the backstory to her.  It’s not an easy feat considering she’s only seen the first _Iron Man._

Gale rolls his eyes when she repeatedly calls Hawkeye ‘Nighthawk’ and she rolls hers as they both gasp when Scarlett Johansson appears onscreen for the first time.

“God bless Imax,” Gale whispers as Peeta nods in agreement, wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

She tries to stay awake.  She really, really does.  She loves Robert Downey Jr. and the actress she likes from _How I Met Your Mother_ is even in it, but _it’s so long_ and she’s exhausted.

She startles herself awake when the end credits are rolling and Peeta’s hoodie is draped over her. 

It smells so good.  Like really, really, _really_ good.  Sweet but decidedly manly.  And that’s what does it.

“Great movie, huh, Katniss?” he asks with a knowing smile. 

“Uh, yeah.”  She’s completely dumbfounded by this reaction to him.

Gale shakes the rest of the pack of Snowcaps into this mouth and grunts in reply.

 

**

 

The next time she thinks about it is a week later, and they’re in his room.  She’s copying his AP notes from the previous year for her English class as he tries on different ties for a National Honor Society banquet later that night.

She sifts through his color-coded binder with amusement.  Peeta should major in organization at Penn.

He’s standing in front of his full-length mirror, deftly working a Windsor knot, when she catches herself staring at him from his bed.  His back is to her and his dress pants are…a really good fit. 

“Is that what you need?”

She shakes her head furiously.  “What?  Huh?”

“Those notes.  Are they the right ones?”

“Oh.  Yeah, they’re great.  Thanks.”

He eyes her suspiciously from the mirror but goes back to his tie.

“Actually, do you mind if I take them with me?  Prim will be home soon so I gotta go.”  She scrambles off of his bed, the binder in her arms.

“Yeah, sure, keep them as long as you need to.”

But she’s already gone.

 

**

 

It only gets worse for her, all of it nearly coming to a head the following Sunday.  He’s giving her a lift home from Gale’s when they see the old, beat up Dodge parked on the side of the road and the young woman pacing along the passenger side.  Peeta takes a sharp left on Bates Street so they can circle around to help her.

She has a little girl and a baby in the car and she knots her fingers together nervously when Peeta’s truck pulls up behind her. 

“Need some help?” he asks with a kind smile.

She stammers that she’s out of gas.  “Well that’s an easy fix,” he assures her.  He turns to Katniss as she leans against the hood of his F-150.  “I’m gonna run to Sheetz.  Mind staying with them?  I’ll be back in 10 minutes.” 

She agrees and offers him a small smile as he heads off before the stranger can stop him.  “I’m Katniss,” she tells the woman.  “And that’s Peeta.”

“Leslie,” she replies before stepping closer to her, her head ducked.  “Look, this is really embarrassing but I only have a few dollars with me.  I…I can’t pay your boyfriend back right now.  I’m so sorry.”

 _Boyfriend_?  That’s what throws her. “Oh, don’t worry about it,” she says.  She tries to imitate Peeta’s easygoing smile.  It doesn’t come as naturally as his but it seems to do the trick.

She’s happily chatting with the little girl when Peeta returns a short time later.  He has two large fuel containers with him and he waves Leslie off when she tries to explain her situation.  “Don’t worry about it,” he says, unknowingly echoing Katniss. 

They see them off and Katniss has to force herself to not stare at him the rest of the drive home. 

 _Boyfriend._ She used to get so annoyed when people assumed she was with Gale just because they hung out together.  Then she learned to simply shrug and ignore it.  But this time, with Peeta, it sends a small thrill through her.  The woman assumed they’re a couple.  And _couples_ hold hands and kiss and share looks that are just for them.

It’s just his innate goodness, she tells herself.  Katniss has always had a weak spot for kindness and these new…feelings are simply a manifestation of that.  But, she reasons to herself, it’s not like she wants to jump on Gale and climb him like one of the trees in the woods behind her old house, and Gale would have done the same thing for that woman.  Probably not with nearly a full tank’s worth of gas, or without a good-natured lecture on the dangers she just put her engine in, but he still would have done it.

Gale’s like family.  Peeta…Peeta should be like family, too.

But dammit, he’s not.

So she’s in a decidedly bad mood by the time he drops her off.  “So are you coming over tomorrow to watch the _House_ finale?” she asks. 

“Can’t.  I’m reading to the blind after school.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Peeta!” she snaps, and then slams the door and stomps off to her house.

 

**

 

It’s just her hormones, she tells herself.  It was bound to happen sooner or later.  She’s lucky she was able to avoid it for as long as she has.

And _of course_ it’s Peeta.  Peeta’s the one going away, moving to Philadelphia in the fall for college.  He’ll be halfway across the state.  It might as well be halfway across the world.  So she’ll miss him.  She’s been fond of him since the day Gale invited him over to play video games after the two met at a science fair.  They were in the same class since kindergarten but had never spoken before then.

 _“Hey, this is Peeta,” Gale had told her, his eyes never leaving the screen as he worked the controller.  “He’s not a total dick.”_ High praise from Gale.

_Peeta waved shyly back to her.  “Hi.  Peeta Mellark: not a total dick.”_

Her friend is leaving and she’ll miss him and that’s why she’s been wondering what it would be like to lick his jaw.

“I’m going to live on campus,” Gale announces the next day.  “I figure a couple grand more in loans will be worth the full college experience, right?”

So he’ll be in the dorms at Pitt.  That’s not across the state but they still won’t see each other as often.  She tries.  She really does.  But…nothing.

“Full college experience?”

He smirks.  “ _Full_ college experience.”  Now she’s pretty sure he really means _balls deep in sorority sisters._ But the only thing she feels for him is happy.  He’s worked hard at the community college for the last two years and now with his mom’s recent promotion, he can finally be a 20-year-old guy. 

As a test, she tries to imagine Peeta balls deep in sorority sisters.  She nearly has a rage blackout. 

She is _so_ screwed.

 

**

 

“Are you mad at me?”

“I’m not mad at you,” she tells him, but it’s not very convincing.

“You won’t even look at me.”

She sighs in annoyance but reluctantly meets his eyes.  “Happy now?”

“Look, I’m not going to be one of those kids who stops volunteering everywhere because they already got their college acceptance.”

“I know!  I _like_ that you’re still volunteering.”

“Then why are you mad at me?”

 _Because,_ she thinks with a clenched jaw, _you’re stirring up things inside of me I really don’t want to deal with right now._

Hell, the day before at her dentist appointment, she actually read the _Cosmopolitan_ article on blow job tips instead of rolling her eyes at it like she usually did.  It’s downright uncharacteristic and it’s all his fault.

“I’m not mad at you,” she repeats.

“Good, because it’s our last lunch period together so we should enjoy it.”

Yeah, last lunch period together because they’ll be graduating soon and then Peeta will be 300 miles away at the University of Pennsylvania.  Balls deep in sorority sisters.

 _Now_ she’s mad.

 

**

 

Everything about him is infuriating, she decides.  The way he double knots his shoelaces.  His stupid broad shoulders.  His favorite pair of worn blue jeans that are fraying at the hem of his left pant leg. 

His laugh, which is so deep and rumbling that it nearly shakes her.  His perfectly straight, bright white Hollywood teeth that only required one year of braces.  The way he helps Prim with her Geometry homework.  His Christopher Walken impression which is really the worst impression ever and only makes her laugh because it’s just that bad. 

She can’t stand the way he’s so friendly to _everyone_ , whether they’re the homecoming queen or an awkward 7th grader or a homeless guy outside of the shopping plaza.  Everyone gets the same smile and direct eye contact and a genuine ear for their words.  _Everyone._

And it’s so annoying the way he can quote direct lines from movies he’s only seen once.  Or how he always saves his DVR’d episodes of _Parks and Recreation_ to watch with her because she usually has to work Thursday nights.

What about that time he almost got into a fight with Justin Cato in Current Events when he made a rape joke?  Doesn’t it just figure that _Peeta_ would be the one guy in the class to do something about it?

And he actually skipped out on their senior prom when he knew she couldn’t afford to go but wouldn’t allow him to pay for anything.  He missed The Prom, one of the defining moments of their teenage lives, just to hang out with her and watch horror movies.  Enraging, really.

He can be so sanctimonious sometimes (though he’d be the first to admit it).  And he’s not close with his family and probably can’t wait to get a fresh start in Philly (though Katniss totally understands that).

She hates how perfect he is, and how when he’s not perfect that just makes him seem _more_ perfect. 

She _hates_ him.

 

**

 

“You love him,” Prim says as she flips through the radio stations.

“What?” Katniss nearly chokes on her indignant laughter.  “You’re insane.”

She was just telling Prim her theory that Peeta was a sociopath, perhaps even already a serial killer, and Prim gets love from that?

Prim shrugs and settles on 96.1 Kiss as the last chorus for "Call Me Maybe" chimes on.  “Aw, we missed it,” she says more to herself than to Katniss, then turns the dial again to the next pop station.  The same song is just starting and Prim relaxes back in the seat, satisfied.

Katniss’s hands tighten on the steering wheel.  “I _hate_ Peeta,” she declares.

She doesn’t have to see her sister to know she’s staring at her incredulously.  “He’s one of your best friends!”

“That changes nothing.”

“Well,” Prim says, undeterred, “I think you should probably do something about it.  You know, before he leaves.  Otherwise he’s going to eventually move on and you’ll just hate yourself for it.”

Katniss says nothing so Prim takes the opportunity to continue.  “He’d probably end up in a loveless relationship with some Philosophy major.  Like her name would be Ashley but she’d spell it with two e’s.  He’d bring her home for break and you’d have to hang out at Denny’s with her, but she wouldn’t eat anything there because she’s an ovo-lacto vegetarian.  And she’d make Peeta take her back to the bakery so he could make her something gluten-free and then you wouldn’t be able to watch _Doctor Who_ with him.”

Now it’s Katniss’s turn to gawk at Prim.  “What the _hell_ are you rambling about?”

“I’m just trying to paint a possible picture of your future so you can make changes before it’s too late.”  Then she starts singing _, before you came into my life I missed you so bad, missed you so bad_ and Katniss glares at her as she leans forward to turn off the radio. 

 

**

 

Madge tags Katniss in a new Facebook photo, and when Katniss clicks on the notification, she sees her and Peeta’s smiling faces as they hug at graduation. 

Ugh, she doesn’t hate him.  Not even a little.

 

**

 

Everyone and their mother is reading that god-awful Fifty Shades of Grey tripe.  Literally.  Katniss found a copy of the book in her mother’s nursing bag and then couldn’t look her in the eye for more reasons than one.

But there’s a comforting realization that comes with that, too, because seeing that damn book cover all over the place kind of just throws sex out there.    Sex is a fact of life.  It’s universal.  If it’s universal, there’s really no reason to feel so embarrassed by it anymore.  It just _is._

And Katniss is a grown-ass woman.  She’s now old enough to get tattoos or buy lottery tickets or vote in this year’s presidential election.

She’s old enough for sex.  Sex is a step forward.

And why not with Peeta?  He’s smart and nice and funny.  She cares about him, she can admit now.

And, added bonus, he’s good-looking.  Okay, _more_ than good-looking, as he’s somehow morphed into the physical embodiment of all her fantasies.

Also, the odds are in her favor that he’s pretty inexperienced, too.  They’ve been friends since they were 14 and he hasn’t had a girlfriend in all that time.  Gale used to rag on him about it but he’d just shrug and say he was too busy with school, sports and the bakery. 

It could even be nice, she thinks.  If she’s lucky, there’s not _anyone_ to compare her to and that makes her feel better about it.  So what if it’s even more awkward than it’d be if one of them knew what they were doing?  It’s not like she expects it to be good anyhow.

So she invites him over for pizza one June night when Prim’s sleeping over at a friend’s and her mom is working the third shift.  Extra cheese and pepperoni.  It’s quite the seduction scene.

He’ll probably laugh her off anyway, she thinks.  Or at least insist that they wait for the perfect, most romantic moment.  A guy who’s such a sap for Jim and Pam probably won’t throw her down right there on the kitchen table, right?

Time’s a wasting so she decides it’s now or never.  She takes a sip of coke and then throws the proposition out there.  “I think we should have sex.”

“Okay.”

She freezes.  “What?”

He blinks.  “Wait, what?”

“What did you say?”

“What did _you_ say?” he asks suspiciously.

“I said, ‘I think we should have sex.’”  She tries to sound casual but her heart’s racing.

He starts laughing, a weird nervous girl giggle she’s never heard from him before.  “What?”

Now she’s getting impatient.  “You’re leaving soon and I’ve never done it before and it might be…nice.”

He pushes his plate away and stares at her.  “Seriously?”

“Yeah?”

“Like…now?”

She shrugs.  Why not?  She even went to the drugstore earlier and bought condoms like a grown-ass woman would.  Of course she threw about 5 Twix bars on top of them when she recognized the cashier from school, but she still has the condoms, doesn’t she?

“Here?”

She rolls her eyes.  “Damn, Peeta.  Yes.  Here.  Now.  With you.  Do you need me to explain the how, too?”

“Maybe just go over the why again.”

She stares down at her uneaten slice of pizza and intently studies the grease puddled on a piece of pepperoni.  “Like I said, you’re leaving.  I’ll miss you.  I want it to be you.”

She looks up to see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows.  “God, really?”  She nods. 

“Okay.”

Just as she’s exhaling in relief, he adds, “But not tonight.”  Then he’s tugging at his hair the same way he does when he’s trying to solve a difficult math problem.  “I mean, don’t you think this is all happening a little fast?  We’ve never even kissed.”

Point taken.  But the whole rushing through things is part of the appeal.  Katniss doesn’t want to overthink things now.  It will just confuse her. 

“We’ll get to that eventually,” she says.

He carefully studies her and again Katniss feels like he’s approaching the situation like a test.   So she might as well ask a few questions.  “So have you ever?  Before?”

“No.”

It’s the answer she wanted but it still surprises her.  He’s so…

And so…

 _How is that even possible_? But she just asks, “Why not?”

When his eyes meet hers, she stills under the intensity of his gaze.  “You really have no idea, do you?” He breaks the contact first.  “I want it to be you, too.”

About a hundred different emotions wash over her immediately; everything from pure joy to abject terror.  But she also realizes that there’s no going back now and when it comes down to it, she wouldn’t want to even if they could.

She initiates the first kiss, and it’s soft and safe with closed, tight mouths and four shaky hands not daring to touch.  She breaks away but he pulls her back, and the next kiss is more desperate than tender.  He’s quiet when they separate.

“I’m not going to just be practice for you,” he says with a warning tone. 

Practice?  It not as if she’s planning on going to the Southside bars after, wearing a sandwich board declaring herself open for business now. 

“I’m not going to be practice for you, either,” she replies haughtily, miffed that he would even say that.  But her reply relaxes him.  He leans in for another kiss and then she can feel his mouth against her cheek as it curves into a smile.

“Definitely not,” he whispers in her ear. 

It’s not going to be that night, he declares again.  But his parents are going out of town for the weekend in a few days and he’ll have the house to himself.  If she still wants to.  If she’s sure.

She’s sure.

 

**

 

The anticipation is crazy.  They see each other every day before that Friday, but are only alone together for minutes at a time.  But they make use of it.  The first day is strictly above the neck stuff, but on the next, her hands snake under the bottom of his shirt and her nails trail along his hard stomach.  Many murmurs of encouragement later, he slips under her black tank and palms her breast.  Gentle and unsure at first, but not for long.

But it’s the little moans and sighs and gasps from one that really gets the other going.  It’s memorizing which spots are most sensitive, how much pressure is most appreciated.  It’s finally doing something they’ve always wanted, like kissing her neck or twisting fingers in his hair or feeling the other pressed flush against them.  It’s their mouths slanted together, just right.  Like puzzle pieces.

Katniss also pays a lot more attention to things she never even noticed before.  Not so much the Peeta related things (she always noticed those, she can nearly admit to herself now), but the _sex stuff._   It saturates magazine covers and TV commercials and more websites than imaginable.  But it has its uses.  She pictures Peeta preparing intensely, the loss of their virginity like an important final.  So she studies, too.

_Keep him focused with compliments and praise.  Swirl your tongue.  Don’t give away all the mystery so he’ll keep coming back for more!_

She starts reading an article titled _41 Ways to Drive Him Crazy in Bed_ and she looks anxiously over the top of the magazine as she slides further down in her seat, silently praying everyone assumes she’s looking over the 116 tips on fashion finds.

 

**

 

 “Just so you know, I have like zero expectations for tonight,” she tells him earnestly.  They’re finally in his giant bedroom.  They’re at the door, standing in front of each other.  Far from touching.

“It’s probably going to be terrible.  And that’s okay,” she adds.

“Wow, thanks for your vote of confidence.”

“It’s not you!” she insists, ignoring his easy-going smile.  “It’s just the way it is.  Nonfictional first times are always awful.  It can’t be avoided.”

He steps forward, the toes of his Converse sneakers bumping hers.  “So you don’t have _any_ expectations?”  He looks almost hurt.  She needs to reassure him.

“Oh no, I think it’ll be wonderful.  But for different reasons.”

She’s about to ask how they should proceed.  Do they take off their clothes immediately or ease into it? Do they undress themselves or each other?  Who’s on top?  Well, Peeta should probably be on top, she reasons.  That’s the most logical position for the very first time.  But she’d be able to control the depth better if she were on top, she also realizes.  That might be more comfortable for-

He kisses her breathless and then whispers, “Stop thinking so much.”

“It’s hard to just turn off thoughts,” she admits.

He grins at her as he pushes her back onto his bed.  “Challenge accepted.”

They kiss again as he settles on top of her, his forearms bearing the brunt of his weight so she’s not uncomfortable.  She likes the way those strong arms frame her face as they kiss, the way he’s surrounding her with himself. 

“I’ve thought about this so many times,” he admits before nibbling along her jawline.  “I’ve got so many plans for us.” 

She can feel him against the inside of her thigh and she wants to _really_ feel him, so she unbuttons his jeans and fumbles with his zipper.  “Like what?” she asks, panting already.  “What kind of plans?”

“A lifetime’s worth,” he says before she wraps her hand around him and he momentarily loses the ability to speak. 

He feels amazing to her and she wants to make him feel amazing in other ways, so she begins to pump her hand up and down, trying to make her grip firm but not enough so as to be painful.  “Am I doing this right?” she whispers in his ear. 

He kisses her in response, and it’s the sloppy, wet kiss of a boy out of control.  It’s an intoxicating feeling, the realization that she’s doing this, that she can have this effect on him.   “We’ve got to slow down,” he soon warns, though it’s barely audible. 

“No,” she refuses, her hand tightening and speed increasing.  She feels brazen, so unlike her normal self that it’s addicting.  “Come now.  I want to feel it.”

He does but she doesn’t stop.  She catches the first spurt in her palm and then with each shudder of his body, she slides her wet and hot hand down and back up, down and up.  He mutters obscenities against her ear, things she’s never quite heard come from his mouth before, but she can only smile in satisfaction, too pleased with herself for what she’s done to him.

They’re both a sticky mess after, and he pulls his t-shirt off to clean them.  At first she’s annoyed that he’s ruining one of the Mellark Bakery tees she likes so much, with cotton so soft she usually sleeps in them.  But then she realizes he’s _shirtless_ so she takes the time to appreciate his broad shoulders and chest, his tight stomach, the delicious V-shape of his torso.  He returns the sentiments as she removes her own clothes.  When she unsnaps her bra and lets it fall to the bed, he leans back on his heels and just stares.  “You’re incredible, Katniss,” he whispers.  “More beautiful than I ever imagined.”  He pushes her onto her back and kisses down her body.  “And I’ve imagined it a lot,” he adds along the way. 

“You don’t have to say stuff like that.”

“I’m not saying it because I think I have to,” he corrects her.  “It’s the truth.”

He tugs off her underwear and tosses them to the side, then moves between her legs.  Are they really doing this?  Less than a week ago, she never even kissed anyone before and now she’s naked with a boy.  With _Peeta._ Her legs fall open on their own accord.

“I’ve thought about doing this about a million times,” he says before the first touch of his mouth to her.  She’s tense at first, unsure of what he’s really thinking and worried she won’t be able to enjoy it, but she lets him take his time in familiarizing himself with her.  She stares at the ceiling and gently threads her fingers through his hair as he explores.  When curiosity gets the best of her, she looks down to see the top of his head between her splayed thighs, and that image alone does something to her.  He pays close attention to the way she shifts closer when he hits a certain spot, and soon her back’s bowing off the bed, her fingernails digging into his sheets.

He crawls back up her body, his mouth wet with her.  “I’ll get better at it,” he promises.  “Just give me the chance.”

 

**

 

The actual act is just as she suspected- wonderful because it’s Peeta and he’s…wonderful.  But still awkward.  There’s no getting around it.

He’s been fumbling with the condom wrapper for a good minute when he stops to smile down at her.  “Ah, I’m just giving you the chance to change your mind, really.  I could have had this open hours ago if I wanted.”

She beams in response.  “I’m not going to change my mind.”

“Seriously, how is there not an easy open tab on this damn thing?”

She takes it from his fingers and tries to open it herself with surprisingly steady hands, but it’s a struggle for her as well.  “Here I thought I could impress you with my finesse.”

“I am impressed with your finesse,” he assures her with a loving, goofy grin.  “I’m impressed with your everything.”

Suddenly the condom is out of the wrapper and on him and he’s asking her one more time if it’s okay.  It still is.

It hurts, but it’s not the pain she expected.  It’s more uncomfortable than unbearable. 

Peeta moves slowly at first, but she presses her palms against the curve of his back and silently encourages him to go deeper and faster.  When he does, and she realizes how much she likes to see him enjoying her body, she uses words.  “Oh Peeta,” she moans against the skin of his neck.  “You feel so good.”

His mouth finds hers and then he’s moving more urgently against her.  It’s like fireworks and the grand finale, the explosives erupting faster and louder and closer together as the end nears.

He sags against her and she holds him to her as he catches his breath. 

She has absolutely no regrets.

**

 

“And this is the gourmet kitchen,” he says, aiming the web cam on the microwave sitting atop the mini-fridge.  He’s giving her an official tour of his new home by carrying his MacBook around the dorm while they Skype.

“Very nice.”

“And…that’s it.  That’s my crib.  Thanks for stopping by, MTV.”

“It kind of looks like a prison cell.”

“I think prison cells are larger.”

She laughs.  “So how are things going with the roomie?”

“Really well, actually.  He initiated the awkward conversation about alone time for video chats with long-distance girlfriends.  I have to be at the library every Wednesday and Friday night from 6 to 10.”

“From 6 to 10?” she asks with a raised brow.

“I’m almost positive they’re playing World of Warcraft for at least three of those hours.”

 She returns his smile, the one that’s so happy and warm and always makes her heart flutter.  “As soon as I get my schedule figured out, I’ll let you know so you can tell him when to take a hike to the library, okay?”

He nods, and then ducks his head and gingerly rubs at the back of his neck; she wishes she could reach through the computer screen to touch him.  “I miss you so much already,” he admits.

“Me too.”  She smiles again even though it’s harder to do it now.  “Hey, only four months until Christmas, right?”

“And only four years until graduation.”

“Nothing we can’t handle,” she vows.  “We’ve got breaks and summers and lots of sexy Skyping sessions to look forward to.”

Now he grins.  “Speaking of sexy Skyping, you’ll be getting something in the mail soon to help out with it.  So please don’t let your mom or Prim open any packages addressed to you, okay?”

“What is it?” she asks coyly, even though she has a pretty good idea already.

“Nothing that will be able to compare to me, but it’ll have to somehow make do on all those long and lonely nights.”

“I’m sure,” she teases.

The alarm on his phone goes off and he stares at it dejectedly.  “I have class in 20 minutes.”

“Go on, then.  Have fun.  Call me when you get a chance.”

He leans closer, his chin now resting on his arms.  “I love you.”

“I love you, too.  So much.  But I’m not kissing the computer screen.”

“Killjoy,” he says happily before they disconnect.

 _Yeah,_ she thinks before she runs to check the mail, _definitely_ no _regrets._

-End

 


	2. Some Other Times

"So they broke up?” she asks, adjusting the screen to eliminate the glare from the sunlight streaming through her bedroom window.

“Seems that way.”

“Did he say why?”

“He didn’t say much, but I guess it was just the standard blow off speech.  ‘I need space.’  Stuff like that.”

“Oh,” Katniss says, unsure of why Peeta’s roommate’s relationship status is weighing so heavily on her.  “How’s he doing?”

“Awful.  Like Taylor-Swift-on-loop awful.”

“Like you don’t love the new album.”

“You know I have no shame.  But it’s also kind of killing my Leslie/Ben buzz.”

She winds a strand of hair around her finger and smiles at him teasingly.  “Wow, you really don’t have _any_ shame.”  Then there’s the sound of a door slamming shut and she watches Peeta crane his neck to acknowledge someone out of frame.  “Hey man.”  She hears a muffled response in the background and then the familiar opening notes from a guitar string.  Peeta slumps dejectedly in his seat before leaning in closer to the web camera.  “Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

“You know I hate it when you make _Star Trek_ references.”

He rolls his eyes but smiles at her, and it’s amazing how much she can already miss him.  He was just back home a few days ago.

“I should go,” he says reluctantly, tilting his head in the direction of his heartbroken suitemate. She agrees.

At least it’s only seven more weeks until Christmas break.

 

**

 

She stops dead in her tracks when she enters her bedroom to find her mother waiting for her.  There, next to her on the mattress, is the box of condoms Katniss had hastily purchased several months before.  She can already feel her face heating up, her heart nearly beating right out of her chest.

“Honey, we should talk.”

A thousand excuses hit her at once.  _They’re mail samples!  I’m holding them for Gale!  I meant to buy water balloons and got confused!_ She wishes Peeta were with her.  He’d be spinning some yarn about a condom drive for the homeless that would have her mother eating out of his hand.

“Oh, th-they gave those to us at freshman orientation.”

“The school gave you a jumbo box of Trojan Intense?”

 Oh thank god Peeta’s not with her.

Katniss tries to shrug indifferently even as her back starts to sweat.  “They just want us to be safe and responsible on campus.”

“It’s a community college!”

Katniss is stammering out a pathetic reply when her mother takes pity on her.  She sighs and motions for Katniss to sit next to her, and the walk across the room feels like the green mile.

“Look, I knew this was bound to happen.  You’re 18 now and…well, I think Peeta’s the very model of what a young man should be.  But I do think you should take things slow.”

“I know,” she says, nodding.  “We are,” she promises.

_Not even a little._

“I just don’t want you to rush into things.  I remember how it can be at your age, when everything’s new and exciting.  It’s so easy to get carried away.”

She holds up the box and Katniss’s face reddens again. 

“I’m proud that you’re prepared, but I think I should schedule a gynecologist appointment for you for the pill.  It’s _not_ a green light to start having sex, but I want you to have extra protection.”

The sound of blood rushing in her ears begins to subside when she realizes that her mother doesn’t actually know she’s already sleeping with Peeta.  She assumes it’s because the box is unopened, since Peeta buys his own condoms like a gentleman.  Suddenly she doesn’t feel such an intense need for the floor to swallow her up whole.

“Just…take it slow,” she reminds her again.  “Peeta’s your first boyfriend and I don’t want to see either of you getting hurt.”

Katniss frowns at the words _first boyfriend_ but only nods in response.

Later, when Katniss is commiserating with Prim over their mother’s new snooping habit, the gory details conveniently left out, Prim can only smile.  “It’s kinda nice, though, right?  Having mom acting like a mom again?”

Katniss agrees, albeit begrudgingly, but there’s something about her mother’s approach that still bothers her.  It’s the words _first boyfriend_ still niggling in her mind.

 

**

 

“Suckle?  Really?”

“You’re just mad that I got 36 points with a triple word score,” she says with satisfaction.

“I would never begrudge you a win.  It happens so rarely.”

 _Cat._   She shakes her head disapprovingly even though he can’t see her with the Skype window minimized.  “You’re off your game, Mellark.”

“Hey, I had two exams today.  I can’t even think anymore.”  Her next move is _mount_ and he sighs in frustration.  “You’re just teasing me now.”

It’s been nearly two weeks since Peeta’s roommate left the dorm long enough for them to coordinate a video chat, and whileWords with Friends has always been their game, it’s not doing anything to release the pent-up sexual tension.

 _Cat **s.**_ Katniss bursts out laughing.  “Okay, I’m officially taking pity on you and ending this game.”

He ends their Skype call and her cell phone buzzes with a text notification seconds later.  _He’s hovering again.  This okay?_

She moves to her bed, toeing off her flats before falling to the mattress and kicking her feet up behind her.  She’s the world’s slowest texter, but it’s a trait Peeta’s well aware of so he’ll wait patiently for each response.  _Yeah.  You two not getting along?_

_He’s just being an ass and I’ve stopped feeling sorry for him.  Also, every time I start to type his name to complain about him, it autocorrects it to ‘Marvelous’ which is kind of ironic._

She chuckles and then starts her next message.  Texting is probably the easiest way to get it out there.  _My mom thinks I should get on the pill and I agree so I have an appointment tomorrow._

He’s usually quick with a reply, even while indulging her hatred for text speak.  But there’s a significant pause before her phone pings again.  _Wow.  Yeah, that’s probably a good idea._ And then, before she has a chance to text back, _Is she going to greet me with a shotgun the next time I see her?_

A good two minutes later she finally gets out, _No, it’s okay.  It’s just to be prepared.  She doesn’t think we’ve done anything yet._

_Must be because I look so innocent._

_Yeah, that’s probably it.  No one ever suspects you._

_If only they knew._

She smiles.  _Yeah, if only they knew._

**

 

“I thought you said early registration was a few weeks ago?” he asks.

“I was trying to give my advisor time to sober up.”

They’re chatting on their cells while Katniss leafs through her course catalog for the spring semester.  “So…accounting?” she ponders aloud.  She’s taking a bunch of general classes her first semester, but she needs a concentration soon if she plans on getting an associate degree next year.

“Mm, pencil skirts and reading glasses.  Sexy.”

“Yeah, right,” she nearly snorts.    She flips from the front to the back of the catalog.  “How about welding?”

“Also ridiculously sexy.”

“I could weld by day and strip by night as I work my way toward my real dream: dancing.”

Peeta laughs.  “How have you seen _Flashdance_ but not any of the _Lord of the Rings_ movies?  We’re going to have so many Netflix dates this summer.”

She can hear him move around his room while she continues to look through the college classes, and it’s so easy to picture him as he throws together something for lunch, probably cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder while he stirs his food.  The background sounds of the microwave beeping and a fork scraping against a plate serve as the soundtrack to her little mental Peeta movie.  It’s nearly pathetic how bad she has it.

“What about you?” she asks him, forcing herself to focus.  “Have you picked a major yet?”  She rolls over onto her back and lets the phone fall next to her ear.  There are so many options and yet not nearly enough, and she’s only growing more discouraged as she looks at the community college offerings and tries to plan for her future.

“Actually, I’m leaning toward pre-dental,” Peeta says, and she drops the catalog as her eyebrows quirk upward. 

“A dentist?  You want to be a dentist?  You know that involves teeth, right?”  The combination of teeth and possible pain always makes Katniss’s skin crawl.  She just has a thing about teeth.  And fingernails.  And eyeballs.

“So I’ve heard.”

“It just seems…random.”

“Yeah, well, my parents have pretty much told me that they’re not paying for an arts degree.  I don’t have any real interest in business or engineering and law school in this economy is just a terrible idea.  So then there’s healthcare.”  She can hear the shuffling as he sits down at his computer desk, probably with his lunch in hand.  “Dentists have better schedules than most medical doctors, and malpractice insurance isn’t as backbreaking.  Plus there’s still a lot of volunteering opportunities.  And I did some shadowing senior year.  It seems like it might be a good fit.” 

“So you’re going to fix all the cavities everyone gets from eating at your parents’ bakeries?”

“Yes.  It’s really all an elaborate scheme.”

She wishes she could approach these decisions the way Peeta does.  He’s always thinking three steps ahead and weighing every option, and Katniss can barely stand to think about the next week, she’s so unsure of what she’s doing.  “You really want to be a dentist?” she asks again.

“What I _really_ want to be is Katniss Everdeen’s love slave.”

She smiles and pulls the phone back to her ear.  “The pay sucks.”

“Ah, but the benefits are awesome.”

 

**

 

Peeta can’t come home for Thanksgiving. 

Katniss had tried to prepare herself for it, had somewhat sensed it coming, but it still feels like she's deflating when she gets the confirmation.  “It’s more of a family time anyway,” he tells her over the phone.  She gets it.  Will the elder Mellarks even be home?  They were in Hawaii last year, sans sons.  Katniss remembers how her mother had to work that evening, one of her first shifts back, and so she, Prim and Peeta all spent the day at the Hawthornes, salivating over the stability as much as the homemade food. 

“It’s only a long weekend, really, and it’s so close to winter break,” he continues nervously.

“Peeta,” she intercepts.  “It’s fine.  Really.  Work on your papers.” 

“I just don’t want you to feel like I’m forgetting about you.”

“I don’t,” she assuages.  “You have to have your priorities in order.”

“ _You’re_ my number one priority.”

She ignores that.  “It’s _okay_.   I understand.”

She does understand.  But it’s not okay.  She doesn’t blame him at all and she really does agree that it’s best for him to stay behind, but it sucks.  The entire situation just sucks. 

Later, when she’s in her room trying to study for an exam, she thinks again about her possible major.  She still hasn’t decided.  Not like Peeta.  Never like Peeta.

He’ll probably be an amazing dentist, she imagines.  He wouldn’t settle for being anything less. And who wouldn’t want Peeta to be the one leaning over you, so large and warm and talking about sucking and spitting? (God, her toes curl just thinking about a related memory there!)  All the young girls with mouths full of metal are going to just love him.

But how much longer is he going to be away for thetraining?  Decided, she ambles over to her laptop and Googles ‘dental school’ and then follows the related search for ‘dental schools in Pennsylvania.’  UPenn’s program is the first link, and she clicks on it to find out more.  As she navigates the site, she reasons that the schooling can’t be that long, right?  There’s only 32 teeth.  That’s, what, an extra year?  Maybe 18 mon-

“Seven years?” she bellows, finding information about the Bio-Dental Consortial Program.  _Qualified students earn both their BS and DMD degrees in **seven years**. _

She relaxes a little when she realizes that it includes undergrad, but not much.  And if he specializes, which he _so_ would, it would be even longer.  He wouldn’t be out of school until at least 2019, she thinks.  _2019._

How the hell are they supposed to survive that?

 

**

 

Gale is thriving at Pitt.  He loves his classes and the social scene and the freedom.  Katniss isn’t seeing much of him these days, and she surmises she’ll see even less when he turns 21 the following month, though they’re  still in touch.  But college changes things.  It’s changing him, in a sense.  It’s probably going to change Peeta, too.  Katniss feels like she can’t quite keep up.

So Madge Undersee is a godsend.  They were friends before, but never that close.  Then she went away to school, like so many in their graduating class.  But she comes home every weekend, and even some weeknights, much to her parents’ dismay. 

“It’s just not for me,” she admits to Katniss.  They’re at the food court in the mall on a dreary early December afternoon.  Katniss was thankful for the invitation out.  She’s free from work and class on Saturdays, but with Prim’s bustling social life and Peeta’s impending finals, she usually finds herself bored and alone with zero distractions.

She picks at her food while Madge relates tales of social-awkwardness and campus hierarchy.  “I love my classes,” she says.  “But there’s no privacy in the dorms, and all anyone is talking about is pledging.  I’d rather commute at this point.”

“If you do,” Katniss says, looking up with a small smile, “we can hang out more.”

“Definitely,” Madge agrees, beaming.

 

**

 

If anything takes away the awkwardness of initiating Skype sex, it’s going without it for 27 days. 

Peeta’s roommate had flat out refused him any privacy in their dorm; sometimes he could be seen in the background of their G-rated video chats, glaring at the computer screen from across the small room.  He even stayed at Penn with Peeta during break.    _I think I actually **hate** him, _Peeta would text.  She had to agree; she didn’t normally consider herself a violent person, but it had been _weeks_ since they were alone and Katniss nearly wanted to kill him.

But just when the feelings are paramount, she gets a new text message.

_Marvelous’s grandma broke her hip._

_That’s awful!_

_Yes it is.  But it means he’s back in NY for the weekend._

She can’t be bothered with typing out anything after that, so she calls him and he picks up after the first ring.

“Tonight?  Around 7?  I’ll have the house to myself, too.”

“God yes.  But I feel a little guilty for being so happy about this.  He kept crying about his poor gammy.”

“We’ll send flowers,” Katniss reasons.   She didn’t even realize how bad it had been until the prospect of relief is right in front of her.  Almost all of their interaction in the last month had been so sweet, so innocent.  But she _needs_ more.

So they don’t waste any time that night after signing in to Skype.  Soon Katniss is leaning back in her desk chair, completely naked, her long legs stretched out in front of her.   She circles her nipple with her fingertip as she stares intently at the computer screen.  Never in her life would she have imagined watching this to be such a massive turn on, but she loves it.

“I’d give anything for you to be here now, right in front of me and on your knees.”  He licks his lips as he strokes himself up and down, and Katniss is riveted by the sight.  She arches her back a little, her hand fully cupping her breast now.  She brings her other hand up from the armrest to her mouth and begins tracing it with her fingertips before slipping them into her mouth; she can see the effect it has on him.

“I wish that, too,” she says, and then, knowingly, goes in for the kill.  “I’d suck you dry.”

He happily takes the bait, his hand moving faster now, but he still maintains control.  “Mm, you better remember that when I’m home in a couple weeks.”

Peeta loves blow jobs.  Not much of a surprise- he’s an 18-year-old guy, after all.  But it’s still a little shocking to her how much she loves giving them.  She starts to trail her fingers down her stomach, but she stops right past her bellybutton and then moves back up.  She can see Peeta’s jaw clench in frustration but he’s not going to beg just yet.

“I can’t wait to see your mouth wrapped around me,” he tells her, his hand still working steadily.  “Your lips wet and your eyes locked with mine.”  He swallows thickly and she knows that’s a sign that he’s getting closer.  “It’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Her fingers dance back down her body to slowly tease them both, but again she stops short.  She’s not quite wet, and unlike Peeta, she needs a lot more work to get there.  “Keep talking,” she demands.  That’s what always gets her going, and he’s got a way with words.  She remembers that disgusting old saying about how a woman should be a lady in the parlor, a cook in the kitchen, and a harlot in the bedroom, and wonders what the male version would be for that, because that’s _so_ Peeta.  Best discovery ever.

“I plan on spending all of winter break between your thighs,” he promises.  “I miss going down on you, Katniss.  The way you taste and smell, it drives me crazy.”

She throws her head back, her entire body arching as she finally touches herself.  Peeta’s completely focused on her now and he continues to speak to help her get there.

“I love getting you right on the edge of the bed, your feet on my shoulders…”

She can still hear him, but her eyes close as she pictures his words.  He usually has one hand wrapped around her thigh, and the other resting palm down on her flat tummy to anchor her in place.  When his head first dips between her legs, her body tenses in anticipation.  Then he licks upward as his nose nuzzles against her, and she grabs his hair with both hands and pulls and tugs in sync with his tongue.

Peeta’s nearly there but it’s her turn now, so she reaches for her Lelo Siri and switches it on to her favorite mode and speed.  It will only take a minute or so for her to finish from the first touch of it against her.  She works it in small circles and she can feel herself slowly building to a climax.  “Almost,” she says, her thighs shaking in anticipation.

“Spread your legs wider, so I can see,” Peeta begs, and when she does, it’s what makes him come.  Then she’s crying out, too, a short time later and the vibrator falls to the floor as the wonderful, boneless feeling overtakes her.

But as soon as the lust cloud lifts, she always feels a little embarrassed by her position.  She reaches over for a blanket off her bed to cover herself and then settles back in the chair.  Peeta’s still resting face first on his desk as he slowly recovers, and she laughs as she pulls the blanket up under her chin.  “Are you okay?”

He makes some sort of strangled sound before slowly lifting his head.  “That thing can get you off in nanoseconds.  It’s crazy.”

She glances down at the vibrator, which has been getting quite a workout in Peeta’s absence.  That is when it’s not hidden under lock and key, because if her mom ever finds _that_ , she’s moving to Istanbul.  “Are you jealous?”

“Yes,” he says with a wide smile.  “I’ve got competition now.”

If he were home, she could rest her head against his bare chest and let his breathing lull her to sleep.  Pfft, he doesn’t have any competition, ever.

“Guess you’ll just have to work harder when you’re here,” she shrugs.

His eyes narrow as he smirks.  “Oh, I plan on it.”

 

 

**

 

Katniss promises herself that she won’t be one of those girls that becomes all about her boyfriend and loses her own identity in the process.  She loves Peeta; it’s a fact she couldn’t deny now even if she wanted to.  But she has to live her own life while he’s away and so she refuses to pine, especially when it feels like Peeta’s studying 24/7.

So she hangs out with Madge every weekend, and Gale when they get the rare chance.  She takes Prim out to brunch each Sunday and stays late at the office most nights to make some extra cash.  She studies for her own finals like a maniac and works to settle into a routine.  But she still tries really hard to be a good girlfriend because Peeta’s an impeccable boyfriend, even when he’s 300 miles away.

He’ll be home in about a week, but first he has to get through his first college finals.  She knows how hard he’s been working and how exhausted he is, and she’s struck with the urge to do something for him that’s more than teasing texts or filthy promises for his return.  She’s helpless, being so far away, but she knows that he’s not planning on leaving his room during reading days, so she tracks down the number of a Philly pizza place he mentioned loving and calls to arrange a delivery to his dorm.

She gives her credit card info to the impatient man taking the order.  “Can you tell him it’s from Katniss?”

“Cat piss?”

“Kat _niss_ ,” she repeats, annoyed. 

“Yeah, okay.   Anything else?”

She bites her lip.  “Um, is there any way you could maybe arrange the pepperoni in the shape of a heart?”

“No.”  And then he disconnects.

Later, Peeta calls to thank her for the surprise.  “You’re the best girlfriend ever,” he tells her.  She shrugs it off but really thinks, _I **am** the best girlfriend ever._  And they’re gonna do great.  Distance, shmistance.  She’s got this.

 

**

 

She ends up majoring in Biology, and that’s how she meets Johanna Mason.

Their names are picked to be each other’s lab partner, and the girl gives Katniss a tight, almost cruel smile when she slides into the seat next to her.  “Gorgeous scarf,” she says, and Katniss reaches up to touch the dark green fringe hanging around her neck.  It was one of Peeta’s Christmas gifts to her, in her favorite color and incredibly soft.  “Thanks.”

Johanna is surprisingly chatty while they work on their first lab assignment.  As Katniss sketches the different meiotic phases in her notebook, returning her eye to the microscope for better detail, Johanna prattles on about her bartending job and her bastard ex-boyfriend who led her to Pittsburgh only to dump her weeks later.

She waits impatiently for Katniss to tell her about herself, but she’s too busy concentrating on telophase to bother.  “So where do you work?” she finally asks outright.

“Um, the Capitol Corporation, downtown.”  Katniss’s eyes are back on the microscope.

“You like it?”

Finally Katniss smiles.  “No.  I mean, the money’s not too bad, but I don’t want to work there forever.”

Johanna taps her pencil against her textbook.  “So what do you want to do?”

“Not sure yet,” Katniss shrugs.  “You?”

“Eventually move back to Maine.  I want to be a forest ranger there.”

 _Forest ranger?_  Now there’s an occupation Katniss never considered.  “What?” Johanna asks defensively.

“Nothing,” Katniss says, returning to her work.  “That’s just not a career you really hear a lot about anymore.”

“Well who the hell do you think ranges the forests, brainless?”

Katniss tries not to roll her eyes, and the two don’t talk again until they’re dismissed.

A couple lab sessions later, before class has started, Johanna grabs Katniss’s phone off of her stack of books and curiously peers at the background photo of her and Peeta.  “Who’s this?” she asks.

“My boyfriend,” she says, taking the phone back.

“Not bad,” Johanna says.  “I prefer them a little more tall, dark and dangerous myself.”

“I’m sure you do.”

“Does he go here, too?”

Katniss shakes her head and starts flipping through her notebook, hoping Johanna will get the point and leave her alone.  No such luck.  When she looks up to find her staring at her, waiting for something, she sighs and offers more info.  “He’s at the University of Pennsylvania.”

“Isn’t that in, like, Philadelphia?”

Katniss stares at the picture of the two of them together over break.  They still miss each other like crazy, but it’s getting easier with time.  It helps for Katniss to have something of her own to work toward and focus on, too.  It makes the time apart go by faster.  “Yeah, it is.”

Johanna snorts.  “Good luck with that.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Katniss snaps back.  It’s safe to say that Johanna hit a sore spot.

Johanna’s carefully crafted mask of indifference slips only for a second at Katniss’s anger, but she recovers quickly.  “Long distance?  At your age?  The odds aren’t exactly in your favor.”

“You don’t know anything about us,” she says evenly, making it clear that her relationship is not up for discussion.  To her surprise, Johanna backs off.

Later, Johanna asks, “So are you coming over to watch a movie tonight or what?”  Like she had mentioned it earlier.  Like they were even friends.  But Katniss has the distinct feeling that Johanna doesn’t have anyone else to watch movies with, ever, so she agrees, now just hoping that it’s not some film with elves or ewoks.

“ _American Psycho_ ,” Jo announces later when they’re in her tiny apartment.  Katniss had heard of it but never saw it before.  “Is it scary?” she asks.  Not that she’d mind, though she prefers the older horror movies.

“Are you kidding,” Jo says.  “This is one of the greatest comedies ever made.  Also, Christian Bale has the nicest ass you’ll ever see.  You’re welcome in advance.”

At the shower scene, she elbows Katniss in the side.  “Right?”

“Not bad,” Katniss agrees.  She can’t hide a little pride in her voice when she adds, “But I’ve seen better.”

“I kind of want to meet your boyfriend, Everdeen.”

Katniss laughs.  “No chance.”

 

**

 

Between work, school, and her small group of friends, time starts to pass by much more quickly than it had the previous semester.  Katniss thinks it might also have something to do with the weather.  The only thing she doesn’t hate about winter is Peeta’s pea coat, which he looks damn good in.  The cold and snow and holidays can all bite it, though.

But spring’s her favorite time of year, and spring break is officially her favorite break of them all.  It’s only early March, so it’s still freezing outside most days, but that was incentive for Peeta’s parents to vacation somewhere tropical.  Peeta declined to join them, and that means that he has the entire house to himself for the whole week he’s home, which is extra nice as Katniss’s own break isn’t until the end of the month.

They’re in his bed, spooning contentedly.  The warm, post-orgasmic blissful feeling is slowly overtaking her, and though her eyes are heavy with sleep, Peeta’s fingers tracing circles along her bare stomach keeps her tethered to consciousness.  But it tickles when his hand ghosts over her ribs, and she foolishly alerts him to the fact when she squeals.

“A sweet spot, huh?” he asks gruffly, then repeats the move.  Her entire body tenses, and she pushes her back against his chest, kicking her feet out to try and move away from him.  But he pins her easily, moving on top of her body and holding her hands over her head as he hovers above her.  “As if you could outrun me.  As if you could fight me off.”

“Oh my god,” she sputters, laughing.  “Now I have to breakup with you.”  She’s remembers the time a few years ago when he put her Bath & Body Works shimmering lotion all over his hand and said, “This is the skin of a killer, Bella,” and she laughed so hard she nearly peed her pants.  He and Gale would never let her live down the fact that she actually saw the first movie in the theater.  “I _hate_ you,” she tells him now, again trying to push him off of her, but it’s of no use.

“Did you forget that I took second-place at state junior year?” he asks as she tries to wiggle out from underneath him.  She can’t stop giggling as they continue to wrestle playfully, and they only stop when, smiling, he says, “I’m thinking about transferring to CMU.”

“What?” she pushes him away and sits up, her back against his headboard.  Dropping bombs like that out of nowhere is a signature Katniss move and she doesn’t like it when the tables are turned. “Why?”

Ugh, she _knows_ why.  And that’s exactly why she can’t let him do it.

“It’s a great school, too,” he says, shrugging. 

He was so excited when he decided on Penn, she remembers.  Now is he even enjoying it?  When she said that she wanted to try the whole long-distance thing last summer, did it effectively ruin college for him?  She thought she was making him happy and giving him exactly what he wanted, but now she realizes that it was probably just another moment of pure selfishness on her part.

“No,” she tells him firmly.  “You can’t.  And I want you to have fun at Penn, Peeta.  I don’t want to ruin it for you.”

He looks at her like she’s crazy.  “How could you ruin _anything_?  You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“College is supposed to be the greatest time of your life,” she reasons.  She’s definitely heard that somewhere.

“God I hope not,” he says, laughing.  He leans in to nuzzle his nose against her cheek.  “That’ll come later.  I want something to look forward to.”  _With you._ The words go unspoken, but they still hang heavy in the air. 

She wants that, too, really.  So much.  But she can’t let him transfer because of her.  If he ended up resenting her over it, she wouldn’t know what to do with herself.  “We’re going to be okay, Peeta,” she promises him.  “We love each other, and that’ll get us through college and dental school.”  She knows it sounds like she’s trying to convince herself as well as him.  She is.

“At least I’ll be home for dental school,” he says, pulling her to him.

“You’re not staying at Penn for it?” she asks, confused.  She’d just assumed the obvious.  It’s always in the back of her head, worrying her.

“No way.  That’s one of the most expensive programs in the country.  I want to go to Pitt.”  He rolls over and she snuggles into him.  Relief wants to seep in and settle down to stay, but she has to be cautious first.  “You’re not just saying that because of me, right?”  She sits up to look at him, the bed sheet falling away from her body and exposing her breasts.  She doesn’t even notice that anymore; it’s strange how comfortable she feels with him.  That in itself is nearly unsettling.

“No,” he promises, reaching out to run his fingers through the ends of her hair.  “But I mean, of course you’re a factor.  And I don’t see how that’s a bad thing.”

All she wants is to believe him.  She wants to block out the voices of anyone who says they’re too young or too naïve or too _something_ to talk like this or think like this or _feel_ like this.

“I don’t think it’s a bad thing, either,” she admits, and she settles in against him, her ear against his heart, which she’s sure is beating just for her.  He loves with everything he has, with everything he is.  It should scare her, really.  But it’s not the intensity of love that worries her.  It’s the world’s cold cynicism toward it; the idea that one day his feelings will change as they all inevitably do, that falling too hard and too fast at their age has somehow already sealed their fate.

Well, she won’t have that.  She won’t allow it.

She closes her eyes and claims what’s hers.

 

**

 

“So what are you doing this weekend?”

Katniss doesn’t look up as she sprays their workbench down with bleach to disinfect it.  “Not much.  Having coffee with my friend Gale tomorrow, but I don’t have any other plans.”  As she’s throwing out the paper towels, she catches Johanna worrying her bottom lip. 

“Coffee’s good.”

She sighs internally.  “Johanna, would you like to join us for coffee?”  She tries really hard to not sound too put out by the thought, and she thinks she almost succeeds. 

“Eh, why not.  I don’t have anything better to do.” 

The next day, they enter the Starbucks together, and Gale stands from the table to greet them.

“ _This_ is Gale?” Johanna gapes.  “I was picturing some young, skinny chick with frizzy hair, not…this.”

“Catnip,” he tells her, even though his eyes are still on Johanna.  “You’ve made a new friend!”

She can tell by the way they’re looking at each other that they’ll probably be leaving together, and she isn’t wrong.  On Monday, Johanna rushes into the class room and corners Katniss.  “Tell me _everything_ about Gale.”

“Um, he’s an engineering student at Pitt.  He’s the oldest of four.  He really likes Sour Patch Kids…” she stops when she sees Johanna narrowing her eyes, annoyed.  “What?”

_“How is he in bed?”_

“I figured you found that out already.”

Johanna screeches indignantly and drops into her seat.  “I _just_ met him!  I blew him, is all.”  She ignores Katniss’s widened eyes and continues.  “He offered to return the favor but I was on my period.  So you’ve gotta give me the details.”

She tries desperately to block out that mental image.  “I’ve never slept with Gale.”

Johanna looks at her like she’s crazy.  “Why _not_?”

“Because we’re just friends.  And I’m with Peeta.”

“Yeah, but _before_ Peeta.  You’re going to tell me you never took that mustang for a test drive?”  Katniss shakes her head.

“Wait a minute,” Jo says, squinting knowingly.  “You’ve only ever been with your boyfriend!”   Katniss’s face flushes and that confirms her suspicions.  “Seriously, kid, what if you end up marrying him?  One dick, your entire life.  How are you going to live?”

Katniss sits down and starts rummaging through her bag, steadfastly ignoring her.  “When you go to a buffet,” Jo continues, undeterred, “you don’t just eat one thing, right?”

Of course not, but Katniss thinks it’s a ridiculous analogy.  For most, sex is a lot more complicated than food.  “Not everybody sleeps around, you know.”

Johanna immediately looks defensive, like she’s bracing for judgment or ridicule.  “You think I’m a slut, don’t you?”

“No,” Katniss answers, simply and honestly.  “I think you’re a bitch.”

Johanna grins, but Katniss’s mind is elsewhere.  She’s never been one to want for more, especially when things are already good, which they are with Peeta.  But what about Peeta?  Is he starting to wonder about other girls?  UPenn girls?  He certainly has more in common with them than with her, and she’s sure he’s wanted by more than a few.  It’s Peeta, after all.

“Hey,” Jo says, surprisingly gentle.  “Don’t worry about it, okay?  If it’s a good dick, and I get the distinct impression from you that it is, you’ll be fine.”

Katniss studies the lab handout in front of her, even as her thoughts try to wriggle away from it.  Jo’s right, about that last thing, she convinces herself.  And she should know better than to worry about Peeta or his feelings, right?

 

**

 

Katniss is kicking ass in her classes, and she’s pretty sure she can pull straight A’s for the semester as long as her finals go well.

Peeta’s term ends a full week before hers, and even though he’s home and she really wants to see him, she forces herself to focus on school.  As she leaves the classroom after her last exam, Jo’s shoulder playfully bumping hers as they make their way to the parking lot, she’s elated.  Her hard work has definitely paid off, and she’s so damn proud of herself.  That’s a rare feeling.

Like with everything, she wants to tell Peeta first and immediately.  But she thinks she’s going to wait until grades are officially posted.  Maybe she’ll print them out and hand him the paper, and then she can savor his slow smile when he sees that 4.0 for himself.

Gale’s done with classes, too, and they all agree to meet at Valliant’s Diner to catch up.  Katniss also invites Madge, and she can’t wait to have her best friends together again. 

Katniss takes it all in as they talk a mile a minute about their campuses and classes.  Every time she’s about to add to the conversation, though, something stops her.  Their classes, Dynamic Systems or Organic Chemistry or 19th Century World Literature, aren’t anything like hers.  Her experience is not anything like theirs.  So she draws lines on the tabletop with the condensation from her Coke glass, and laughs when they laugh even though she doesn’t feel like laughing at all.

“What’s wrong?” Peeta asks when they’re driving home later.  “You’re being really quiet tonight.”

She throws a smile his way and shrugs.  “Just tired from finals, I guess.”

“So how’d they go?  You haven’t told me anything yet.”

Peeta’s always been able to tell when something is bothering Katniss, and he’s got a perfect record with his response, always knowing when to cheer her up or give her space.  “They were fine,” she answers simply.

He doesn’t say anything else about it, and there goes his record.

 

**

 

It takes a little while to get back into the rhythm of things, but when they do, it’s just like old times.  Katniss works full-time in the summer, and Peeta’s days are split between the bakery and shadowing his former orthodontist, but they spend almost all of their free time together.  Katniss reasons that that’s perfectly acceptable considering their situation, and she refuses to feel guilty about it.

“Have you seen Madge lately?” her mom asks her one night when Katniss is just about to leave to go to Peeta’s.  “Or that girl from your class?”

Katniss re-braids her hair and ties the band around the end.  Of course she’s still in touch with them, but she doesn’t feel like she owes her mother any explanations.  “I’ll see them more during the school year.”

“It’s not a good idea to leave your friends behind for a boy, Katniss.”

There’s nothing about that sentence that doesn’t piss her off, so she glares at her mother on her way out the door.  “It’s also not a good idea to leave your children behind for a man, Caroline.”

 

**

 

They bowl (badly).  They have movie nights (Katniss admits that _The Lord of the Rings_ films are actually pretty good).  They catch up on all the British TV series they love (Peeta totally cries over Rory and Amy).

But they spend a disproportionate amount of time in bed.  It’s easy to do now that Peeta’s staying in the converted apartment above the newer downtown bakery.  She knew that he did that for them, since he always preferred to work at the original before.  But they _need_ privacy when they’re together, need to make up for all that lost time when they were physically separated, and that wasn’t an option when they both lived with their parents.

Peeta’s folks aren’t really an issue; Katniss suspects that his mother wanted an empty nest from the moment her chicks hatched, and the quiet Mr. Mellark, though kind, always follows suit. 

But Katniss’s mother is also trying to make up for lost time with her daughter.  Her actions aren’t nearly as welcomed, though.  It’s actually infuriating.  After everything she put her and Prim through, Katniss can’t stand to be condescended to, even if the woman _is_ her mother. 

Prim’s spending a lot of her time with Rue, and with a budding social life, she just doesn’t need Katniss the way she used to.  Maybe she doesn’t need their mother, either, and that’s why the woman’s now so focused on her eldest daughter.

“You’re going to Peeta’s?” she asks her one afternoon as Katniss is eating a snack pack in the kitchen.  Katniss nods. 

“Are you at least coming home tonight?” 

Now she frowns.  Katniss only spends the night with Peeta when her mom’s at work and Prim’s with a friend, and it’s not as if she’s this ne’er-do-well teenager that her mother can’t control. Besides, she was good enough to take over head-of-household when her mother decided to checkout, and she still pays more than her fair share of all their bills. 

“No,” she replies coolly, sliding past her mother on the way out of the room.  It’s a definite challenge and she’s surprised when she doesn’t get a reaction out of it. 

 

**

 

They’re celebrating their one year anniversary.

He’s in his kitchen, chopping up vegetables for the dinner he’s making for her, and she insists on helping.  It is _their_ anniversary, after all.  They joke and tease while cooking, and there’s something about it that feels even more intimate than sex.  It’s like the two toothbrushes in one holder, or shared contact solution, or her tampons stored under his bathroom sink.  They’re such a…couple.

She leads him over to the couch after they eat, and snuggles against his chest, content.  Both of their legs are stretched out in front of them, their feet resting on the coffee table.  Peeta absently plays with the end of her braid, and she can tell there’s something on his mind.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he says.  “Already thinking about this fall, I guess.” He sighs.  “I think it’s going to be even harder this time around.”

“The classes or being apart?”

“Well, both,” he says with a small laugh.  “But I was talking about being apart.”

At this point, nearly one year before, she would have rushed to reassure him that they’d be just fine.  But it’s not as easy to do that now.  It’s actually a lot of work and a lot of heartache, and it’s nothing she’s looking forward, especially in moments like these.

“Thank you, for being so great about it.  You’ve been amazing, really.”

She rubs her cheek against his ribs.  “You’re welcome,” she whispers.  “But I mean, you’re doing it too.”

“Yeah, but it feels like it’s my fault.  I’m the one who left.”

“For _school_.”

He’s quiet for a few minutes, then says, “Are you sure you still want to do this?”

She stills against him, immediately thinking that he’s giving her an out because he wants one for himself.  So she says as much, but under the pretense of a joke so he doesn’t know that she’s actually worried about it and sick at the thought.

“I want to be with you more than anything in the world.”  He says it so sweetly she _has_ to believe him.  “I don’t feel like it’s fair to you, though.  And next year I’m going to be studying for the DAT, and shadowing a dentist there.  I don’t even know if I’ll be able to come home for breaks.”  She winces but doesn’t say anything.  “I want you to be happy.”  He takes her hand that’s draped across his stomach and enfolds it in his.  “But if you decide that you want to do this again, I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you think it was worth it.”

She lifts her chin to look up at him and smiles.  He doesn’t talk about the far-off future too often, probably because he’s scared of scaring her, but it doesn’t have that effect on her now.  She likes it, actually.  “We can do this,” she vows.  There.  It’s suddenly easy again.

 

**

 

A few weeks later, after a long hike on a nearby park trail, they settle down on the soft grass of the meadow and admire the stars.  The sun had set only an hour before, but now the dark blue heavens are bright with millions of twinkling lights, and it’s rare to get such a beautiful, clear night sky in the city.

“That’s the Athena constellation,” he says, pointing upwards.  She doesn’t know exactly what he’s trying to show her.  It’s just a mess of stars in the vast blue, as far as she can see.

“Really?”

“No idea,” he laughs.  “Maybe?  I don’t even know if Athena has a constellation.”

“And here I thought you knew everything.  I’m disappointed, Mellark.” 

“I fear the day you realize I’m not perfect,” he chuckles, a nervous truth to it.  But she’s always thought the same thing about him, and only one of them really has to worry.

“It’s beautiful though, right?” he says, admiring the sky, and she can’t disagree, admiring him.  “I wish I had time to paint it.”

“I’m sorry you’re not majoring in art,” she admits.  “Or even taking over the bakeries.”  She always thought of him as a baker or a painter and it’s hard to imagine him as anything else.  “You should be able to do what makes you happy.  What you’re passionate about.”

“It’s a romantic thought, just not realistic.  But I guess that’s what hobbies are for.”

She doesn’t push anymore.  She knows how important it is to him to make something of himself on his own so his mother can’t control him with the purse strings anymore.

There’s the sound of children laughing in the distance, and they both turn to see a young family making their way to a minivan.  Katniss remembers coming to the park with her own parents and Prim, a very long time ago.  It’s a nice memory. 

She catches Peeta studying her.  “Hey, you think you might want kids someday?” he asks.  She’s noticed that he’s more comfortable talking about stuff like this lately.

There was a time not too long ago when she didn’t think she’d ever get married or have children or anything like that. She’d always imagined herself as a future cat lady, minus the cats.  But that was before she was with Peeta.  Now, who knows what could happen.

“Maybe,” she offers with a small smile.

“Yeah?  How many?”  He’s trying to suppress his enthusiasm at her answer and failing miserably.

“I don’t know, one or two.”

“Just one or two?”

She snorts.  “Yeah, one or two.  I don’t want to qualify for a reality show on TLC, thanks.”

He lies back in the grass, his hands behind his head.  “One or two is good.”  She settles in next to him.

“But we’re still probably going to end up on TLC,” he adds.  “You know, with your hoarding and all.”

 

**

 

“Did you ever…think about me, like that, before we were together?”

It’s somehow already the night before Peeta has to leave for Philadelphia.  She’s staying over to see him off in the morning, and he’s been exploring her for the last hour, as if he hasn’t seen her naked a thousand times before.

“No, never,” he answers solemnly before breaking into a sheepish grin.  Then he lowers his mouth to her collarbone and kisses her there.  “Your body is ridiculous.”

She slaps at his shoulder and laughs as his lips tickle her skin.  “No, answer me.  Seriously.”

“You know I did.  I’ve told you before.”  He sinks to his stomach and goes to duck his head between her legs, asking, “Need a reminder?”

Of course she wouldn’t mind another one, but she’s already had plenty and now she needs to concentrate.  So she tells him to wait as she grabs his delicious bicep and uses it to urge him upward.  “What made you so crazy for that anyway?”

“Uh, guy talk?  You probably don’t want the details there.”

Well now she definitely does.  He laughs at her pout but relents.  “Okay, you remember that girl Gale dated his senior year?  The one with the pink streaks in her hair?”

“Vaguely.”  Gale kind of got around.

“Well, he told me that it was different going down on her versus his first girlfriend.  Said that every girl has her own…taste.  Anyway, it made me always wonder what you tasted like.”  He shrugs, smiling sweetly.  “Now I know.”  His lips move over her face, kissing her cheekbone, the tip of her nose, her other cheek.  Then he leans in to whisper in her ear, “And it’s incredible.”

She wraps her arms around him and sighs, content, as she holds him.  But then a worrisome thought strikes her.  “Do you ever wonder about other girls now?”

He pulls back to look at her.  “Why would I?  I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted right here.”

She breaks away first.  “So what else did you think about?”  He drops to nuzzle his nose against her pulse point, and doesn’t answer.

She wanted to do something special before he left, and then this inspiration suddenly struck.  But he has to play along for it to work out.  Yet he stays quiet and just continues to pepper kisses all over her neck and chest.

“Because if you tell me, maybe we could…you know, act it out.”  He’s told her before that he had a crush on her for _years_ , that his feelings only deepened when they became actual friends.  Surely there was a particularly errant sexual fantasy in there somewhere during all that time, right?

He finally pulls himself away from her long enough to consider the proposition.  “It’s not like there were a lot of specific scenarios or anything.  It was usually just thinking about what you were wearing that day, imagining taking it off of you, imagining you suddenly _wanting_ me to take it off of you.  It never took much to get me there.”

“Really?”  _That’s it?_

“Honestly, by the time I was old enough to imagine some good stuff, we were already friends.  Then I felt guilty for thinking about you like that.  You were so…pure.”  He slides his hand over her arm and entwines his fingers with hers.  “I wasn’t friends with you for any nefarious reasons, you know.  I just wanted to be around you as much as possible.”  He gives her hand a firm squeeze.  “Still do.”

“So then you didn’t think of me like that at all?” she presses.  She can’t help but wonder who he thought about then; she knows teenage boys are no angels, not even Peeta.

“No, I pretty much thought about you all the time.  I just felt bad about it after.”  He leans in to whisper in her ear, “One time you told me that you slept in my old shirt that I gave you at Sandcastle, and that got me off for _months._ ”

“Yeah?” she challenges breathlessly, hooking her leg over his hip.  She can work with this. 

“Yeah.  Imagining you in your bed, wearing that and nothing else.  Thinking about you touching yourself too.  Hoping that you were thinking about me when you did it.”

Ah, she hadn’t thought about him.  God help her, she’s the very definition of a late bloomer, and by the time she was occasionally touching herself, she was imaging the couple from some softcore late-night movie on USA.  Not herself, and never with anyone she actually _knew._

He doesn’t have to know that now, though.  Finally she has a spark to ignite her plan and she’s going for it.

“I did,” she says, punctuating it with a soft moan.  She brings her hand between their bodies and slides it over her underwear, cupping herself for him.  He sits back to watch, and as her fingers slip inside and start a slow tease, he licks his lips in anticipation.  She’s pretty sure of what kind of things he’d like to hear her say.  “I used to picture your fingers rubbing against me like this.  I imagined you kissing down my body and sliding between my legs.  I wondered what your hair would feel like against the inside of my thigh.”

He’s practically panting as his hand reaches down to cover hers and take over.  “You’re so wet,” he says.  “You always get so wet for me.”

“How does it feel?” she asks.  “How does it feel being with me now, after you’ve wanted me for so long?”

“It’s…god, it’s better than I ever imagined.”  He’s pulling off her underwear now, but Katniss isn’t ready to give up this control just yet.  She runs her hands over his chest, draws her fingers through the smattering of golden chest hair that he didn’t have those years ago at the waterpark, back on that day when the wind was picking up as the sun was setting, and he literally gave her the shirt off his back when he saw her shiver.

“How does it feel to know you’re the only one to ever be inside of me?”

Peeta can barely speak, and his hips press her further into the mattress.  “Amazing,” he finally manages.  He leans in to capture her lips but she pulls back, locking her eyes with his.  “How does it feel to know you’ll always be the only one?”

He answers her with a kiss, his tongue sliding against hers as they share a single breath.  Her mouth opens wider, inviting him in further.  She’s offering up everything and he greedily wants it all.

She can feel him reach over for the nightstand, absently trying to find a condom without breaking away from her.  But she puts her hand out to still his, and when he pulls back to meet her eyes, she gives an almost imperceptible nod.  “Are you sure?” he asks.

“I don’t want anything between us tonight.”

He’s too far gone to fight her on it, wants it too much himself.

They pull off his boxer briefs together, and he kisses her again as he settles between her legs.  When he slides into her for the very first time without a barrier, practically his whole body shakes.  It doesn’t really feel any different to her, but she knows _he_ can feel all of her now, and the slick heat surrounding him must be nearly too much for him to bear.  He stops moving to brace himself, but she raises her hips to urge him forward.  “Do whatever feels good,” she whispers.  That’s something he says to her a lot, especially when she’s on top of him, and his hands are on her hips but she’s controlling the movement and angle and speed.

He wants to last but it must be overwhelming him.  His thrusts are fast and hard, and the pure intensity of his enjoyment is nearly enough to get her there, but not quite. 

She kisses him as he comes, and it’s the hottest thing she’s ever experienced.

The next morning, she helps him pack the rest of his clothes, but most of everything he’s taking with him is already in the bed of his truck, ready to go.

“At least I’ll be in a single this year,” he says over breakfast.  “That should help, right?”

She’s trying so hard to keep it together.  “What if you end up missing Marvelous?” she asks.  “It’s the end of an era.”

He tries to laugh, but the effort is pitiful.  “Nope, it’s over.  We are never ever getting back together.”

They drive to her house so he can drop her off before beginning the nearly six hour trek back to Philly.  “Be careful,” she tells him at her door, and he promises her he will.  He gently kisses her forehead, then ducks to kiss her lips.  But their real goodbye was the night before.

“I love you so much,” he says with unshed tears shining in his eyes.  “We’ll get through this, I promise.”

“I know.  I love you, too.”

She rushes inside before he pulls out of the driveway because she can’t stand to actually watch him leave.  But she leans against the door until she can no longer hear his engine, and then she sprints to her room, ignoring the concerned looks from both her mother and Prim.

 

**

 

Here’s everything Katniss knows about Delly Cartwright:

-She was randomly picked to be Peeta’s partner for some huge semester-long project in one of his Biology classes.

-They meet at the library at least _three_ times a week to work on said project.

-Peeta has canceled four of their last five Skype dates to work with her instead.

-Delly “likes” almost every movie and book imaginable.

-She has 1,472 friends.

-She recently guessed My Favorite Things on SongPop.

Katniss’s hair is still wet from her shower, and she hasn’t even bothered to comb it out yet as she sits at her computer and compulsively scrolls through Delly’s timeline.  The girl has her entire Facebook set to public, for god’s sake.  What kind of person does that?

Her wall is littered with messages and tagged photos.  Katniss shamefully studies each one.  She’s… _kind of_ pretty?  Maybe?  Her first instinct is that she’s a bit plain and even a little chubby, but Katniss isn’t really the best judge of female looks and never wanted to be one.  Then she nearly bites through her lip when she sees that, according to some online quiz, Delly’s celebrity lookalike is Scarlett Johansson.

She ignores the water from her hair seeping through her t-shirt and making the cotton stick to her back.  She keeps scrolling.

God, her breasts are massive.  Like giant melons straining against every shirt in her wardrobe. Katniss barely fills out a B cup.

She hates herself for what she’s doing and what she’s thinking, but it’s like she can’t help it.  Peeta’s never gone so long without at least making _some_ effort to spend time with Katniss.  It’s easy to trace this all back to Delly.  So every time she comes across something that the girl has in common with Peeta, a book or band they both like, she clenches her teeth.  But then she takes bizarre comfort in the differences, like ‘Oh, Peeta _hates_ that album.’  She’s nearly thrilled when she sees that Delly recently shared one of those Repost If You’re Against Cancer photos.  He _really_ can’t stand those.  So they’re definitely not naked in his single right now, and there’s no way he’s motorboating those ginormous breasts that very second.

She takes a breath, chiding herself for being so ridiculous.  She knows Peeta would never cheat on her.  It’s just everyone around her unknowingly filling her head with ideas, is all. Gale going on about all the hot girls on campus, and Madge’s stories about everyone having sex in the dorms, and Johanna’s not-so-subtle reminders that all men are pigs.  Of course all that’s going to get to her eventually.  She’s only human.

She loves Peeta and Peeta loves her, she’s sure of that.  And Delly Cartwright seems like a perfectly nice girl, and a good lab partner for Peeta.  So what if she has basketball breasts?

She closes out the window with Delly’s Facebook to look at Peeta’s.  He doesn’t have any new recent activity; the poor guy doesn’t have time for anything like that anyway, since he’s working so hard he can’t even call her.  She’ll really have to try to be more understanding of his hectic schedule. 

She smiles at the _In a Relationship with Katniss Everdeen_ under his profile pic and then hits the home button to check out her newsfeed before getting ready for the day.

_Peeta Mellark was tagged in Delly Cartwright’s album UPenn Fall ’13._

It’s the very first thing that loads.  She clicks on his grinning face. 

_Lunch with Peeta-bread at McClelland! –with Peeta Mellark._

Updated less than a minute ago. 

She very calmly clicks the back arrow.

So she’ll kill him.  She’ll drive to Philadelphia, kill him, and then be back in time for _The Walking Dead_ marathon.

 _Lunch._   With another woman.

Ugh, after she kills him, she’ll probably have to kill Delly.  She’s even tempted to take out the four people that have already ‘liked’ the photo.  _‘You have to understand,’_ she’ll tell the cops.  _‘He had lunch!  With another woman!’_ and they’ll uncuff her.

Lunch!  With _another woman!_

**

 

“Would you rather it was breakfast?” Gale asks her.

It’s been about an hour since she saw that photo and she can’t let it go.  Meals with Gale are usually quiet affairs as he scarfs down all the food in sight, and if he talks, it’s only to ask, “Are you going to finish that?”  To which the answer was always a resounding _yes._   But today she can’t stop going on about Peeta-bread and Delly and _lunch._  

“Or even dinner?” he continues.  “Come on, lunch is mid-day.  There are no implications with lunch.   Lunch is innocent.”

“There’s nothing innocent about any meal with an attractive member of the opposite sex when you’re in a long-distance relationship.”  There’s some sound reason for him to chew on.

“We’re having lunch together right now!”

Barely, she thinks.  Katniss scraped her coleslaw off of her sandwich and ate a single fry, but her appetite’s dead.  Besides, Gale doesn’t count, and she tells him as much.

“So take a picture of me.  Update your Facebook with it.”  He spreads his arms out and leans back against the bench, posing.  “Should I smile?”  He does.  He kind of reminds her of Gaston from _Beauty and the Beast_ when he grins like that.

“No,” she insists, shaking her head.  “I never update.  He’ll know what I’m doing.”

“Uh, yeah, Catnip.  Maybe it’s time you started pairing a little passive with your aggressive.”

She instinctively knows that using Gale against Peeta is a bad idea.  They’re good friends but have always been weirdly competitive.

“Never mind.”  She tries again to eat, but she’s somehow not hungry.

“Just don’t let things get weird!”  He points his finger in warning as bits of slaw, fries, meat and bread spray the table from his open mouth.   He swallows.  “Remember what I said when you guys came to me to tell me you were together now?”

“Yeah,” she says, sullenly.  “You said, ‘Don’t let things get weird.’”

“ _Exactly_.  Hey, are you going to finish that?”

 

**

 

That night when he calls, she lets it go to voicemail.  When her phone buzzes with a text notification a few minutes later, she doesn’t get out of bed to look at it.  It buzzes again.  Then again.  She rolls over and forces herself to sleep.

She checks them first thing the next morning, though.

_Hey, can you talk?  Call me if you can._

_I’ll be up for a few more hours trying to finish this paper._

_I really miss you._

But she had all night to marinate in her anger.  Hell, she _wants_ to be mad at this point.  Just who does he think he is, anyway?

She hits the ‘send call’ button and waits for him to pick up.  Oh he is going to rue the day he messed with her.  Rue it!

“Hello?”

“Hey.”  She wants to sound as pissed as she is but it comes out all normal.

“Hey you.  I missed you yesterday.”

“Yeah.”

“Things have been _insane_ lately.”

 _‘So how was it?’_ she wants to ask accusingly.  ‘ _How was_ lunch?’  But all she manages is another, “Yeah.” 

“Are you okay?  You sound kind of mad.”

“I’m _fine._ ” 

“Yeah, no.  You’re definitely mad.”

“Are you sleeping with her?” she asks suddenly, unable to hold back anymore.

“ _What_?”

“Your cantaloupe smuggling project partner.  Are you sleeping with her?”

“Are you _seriously_ asking me that?”  Wow, he sounds pissed.  They’ve had arguments before but she’s never heard him so upset with her _._ It trips her up and for a second she has a moment of absolute clarity: she is being ridiculous!  What is she even doing?

But it’s out and she can’t stop now.  She falls back on defensiveness.  “What else am I supposed to think?”

“That I would never do something like that?  You’re supposed to trust me!”

“We haven’t Skyped in over a week.  You’ve barely called.  You’re always hanging out with her.  Do you blame me?”

“Jesus, I am _not_ always hanging out with her.  We’re working on the genomics presentation.”  She’s about to speak but he rushes on without giving her the chance.  “And every second I have to myself, I want to spend with you.  I tried calling you last night-”

“Oh I’m sorry, was I not sitting by the phone waiting for you to deem me worthy of your time?”

“I-I can’t believe you right now.”

“I might be stuck at home and just in community college but I still have my own life too, you know.”  Wow, where is this coming from?

He’s quiet now, and she can only hear his soft breath over the line.  “Is that really what you think?”

She doesn’t want to cry so she shifts back into angry gear as quickly as possible.  “I _think_ that you’re being an insensitive ass lately.”  She’s trying to hold on to all of the feelings that were overwhelming her in the past week but they’re slipping through her fingers like sand.

“Okay, then I’m going to go.  Give me a call when you want to act like an adult again.”

That helps.  She _hates_ when he gets all self-righteous.  “Well don’t expect that to happen any time soon!” she yells.  Wait, what?  But it’s already too late, so she hits ‘end call’ and falls onto her bed.

To say the regret is immediate would be an understatement.  She tries to imagine that if the situation were reversed, how would she feel?  The answer is obvious, and she’s actually surprised that Peeta handled it as well as he had.  That just makes her feel worse too.

 She doesn’t know what it is that’s fundamentally wrong with her that makes it so hard to trust people.  It’s one of her fatal flaws, right along with stubbornness.  And her crippling insecurity.  And the inability to apologize for her mistakes.

Maybe she can still do something about that last one, though.  Maybe Peeta will even realize how huge it is for her to do so, and that’ll take away some of the sting of what she did. 

It’s been a good hour since their call, and she stares at her phone with hesitation.  In the end, she doesn’t have the nerve to actually talk to him again, so she takes the first step with a text message:

_I’m really sorry._

Twenty minutes pass and she hasn’t heard back from him, so she sends another:

_I know you would never do that to me.  I was just jealous and I miss you so much.  I don’t even know what I was thinking. Can we please fix this?_

She wiggles her cramped thumb.  That took forever.  But Peeta still hasn’t responded to either one.

She doesn’t want to keep compulsively checking her phone, so after a while she joins Prim in the living room.  Her little sister is sprawled out on the couch, absently shoving potato chips into her mouth as she stares at the television.  “ _Titanic_ is on.  Back-to-back!  Guess I’m not leaving the house today.”

“Me either,” Katniss says, sitting next to her.  Several hours later, as Rose is prying Jack’s frozen fingers off the door while vowing to never let go, their doorbell rings.  “I’ll get it,” Prim says, wiping at her tears.

A few seconds later, she hears Prim’s shrill shriek of delight, then, “Katniss!  It’s for you!”

Confused, she lumbers off the sofa and slowly makes her way to the door, which Prim has shut again before hightailing it to her bedroom.  It’s a crisp autumn afternoon so she zips her hoodie before opening it.

And then there’s Peeta.  Real-life Peeta, standing right in front of her.  Wearing that charcoal grey pea coat to boot.  Damn, it’s like it was made for him.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” she returns, still trying to grasp the fact that he’s actually here.

“I got your messages when I was at a rest stop.”  He stops to run his fingers through his hair.  “I’m sorry, too.  I’m _so_ sorry.”

“You really don’t have anything to be sorry about.  That was…all me.”

“No, it wasn’t.  I should have made more of an effort to spend at least some time with you.  I mean, it feels like you still don’t get it, and that’s got to be my fault.”

“Get what?”

“How much you mean to me.  Katniss, you’re my main motivation.”  He reaches out to curl his fingers around hers.  “But you’re also my biggest distraction, so I have to force myself to focus.  It’s not because I want to.  Honestly, I just want to spend every possible minute of the rest of my life with you.”

She gives his hand a tight squeeze.  “I get it.”

He smiles and shakes his head.  “Being apart really plays on all kinds of insecurities, huh?”

“Yeah,” she agrees sadly. 

“I just wanted you to know that you mean the world to me.  You _never_ have to worry about anyone else.  You’re all I could ever want.”

She realizes then that he must have left to come there almost as soon as they hung up.  He drove over 300 miles in a giant gas guzzler on a cold Sunday morning just to get to her.  God, she gets it.

So she does what she’s wanted to do since the second she saw him on her doorstep- she grabs the oversized coat lapels and pulls him to her, kissing him soundly.  “You don’t _ever_ have to do this again, Peeta.  I’m sorry you drove all the way here.”

“I’m not,” he admits, caressing her cheek.  “Hey, if you’re not busy, wanna get an early dinner with me before I head back?”

“I _guess_ I could pencil you in.”

“I know _Titanic_ is on and all…”

She kisses him again, both their mouths still smiling before they meet. 

 

**

 

“This sucks.  We’re never together for it.”

She’s still tearing into the chocolate.  There’s probably some smudged on her face, but it’s so good it’s hard to care.

“Peeta, it’s a Hallmark holiday, anyway.”   She holds up the giant heart-shaped box from her lap. “Not that I don’t appreciate the presents.” 

“I still want to be with you for it.  We always miss all the important days.  Valentine’s Day, my birthday, your birthday…Arbor Day.”

“But we’ll be together for our anniversary,” she reminds him.  “Besides, we’ll celebrate them later.  And just wait for your belated Arbor Day sex.  I’ll rock your world.”

He laughs.  “You always do.”

“I should get going.  I have to meet my advisor in a few hours and I still have to get some stuff together.”

“Okay.”

“Any last minute career suggestions?”

He puts his hand up to his chin in deep thought.  “Dental hygienist?  We could get up together, go to work together, go home together…”

“And that sounds appealing to you?”

“Worked out great for Jam.”

 Ah, her boyfriend’s such a girl.  She loves it.

“I’ll _pretend_ to consider it.  But I really should go.”

He blows a kiss at the screen and she pretends to catch it before they both sign off.

 

**

 

“Temple?” Haymitch Abernathy asks as he scratches at the stubble on his cheek.

She nods. 

He sighs exaggeratedly as he studies her high school and college transcript.  “Deadline’s in a couple weeks.”

“I’ll have the application ready this weekend.”

She doesn’t remember what led her to it exactly, but when she was toying around with the idea of going for her Bachelor’s at a 4-year, she checked out some colleges in Philadelphia (just to _look_ she told herself). 

“You sure you don’t want to consider a college we actually have an articulation agreement with, sweetheart?”

“I’m sure.”

“No backups?”

When it’s $50 a pop to apply?  No way.  She just shakes her head and ignores his well-intentioned advice.

The only other person she tells is Prim.  “Would you be okay?” she asks her.  “You know I won’t go if you still need me here.”  But she already knows Prim doesn’t.  It’s kind of nice, being wanted versus needed.

“Of course I’ll be okay!” she says with her bright, beautiful smile.  “It’s about time you put yourself first.  I’m so happy for you, Katniss!  Really.”

So for the first time, she really allows herself to imagine it.  And somehow, the more she thinks about it, the less it becomes about the physical proximity to Peeta.  She could really do it.  She could be a college girl.  She could be someone who _goes off to college_.  She starts thinking about what kind of classes she’ll take at Temple, wonders what her dorm and roommate will be like, pictures lecture halls and the campus quad.  There can be regular date nights with her boyfriend. Even _studying_ with her boyfriend, because they both have those important college classes they have to work so hard on. 

She never thought she wouldn’t get in.

The emaciated envelope is her first sign, and her fingers shake as she opens it alone in her room.

_We regret to inform you…_

It’s her own fault for getting her hopes up.  She really should have known better.

 

**

 

It’s lousy luck that the day she gets her rejection letter is the day Peeta takes the DAT.  He calls her that evening, relieved and so excited to tell her that he got a 24.  If she weren’t such a perpetual screw up, she could share amazing news with him, too.  But all she can do now is congratulate him, say how she knew he would do great.  Tell him that she’s so proud of him.

He’ll be home in six weeks, but he has to be back in Philly in July for a summer session and dental volunteering.  She’s suddenly nervous about what she’ll do when she sees him again.  Really, what does she have to offer him?

 

**

 

She doesn’t even attend her graduation.  Prim wants to go, but their mother has to work, Peeta’s not due home for another week, Gale and Madge are finishing up finals, and Jo’s bartending that night.  It seems pointless to even leave her house.

Peeta calls her and says that he hates that he can’t be there, but she shrugs it off.  What’s it even matter?  She won’t be doing anything important with that slip of paper.

Later, as another reminder, he texts, _I’m proud of you!_   She stares at her phone, at those words, and then tosses it in the vicinity of her nightstand before crawling into bed.

 

**

 

She thinks it's probably both a blessing and a curse that everyone around her is so amazing. 

Prim is beautiful and brilliant and kind, and she masters everything she attempts.  Gale is one of the smartest people she’s ever met, a real science whiz who used to take things apart just to see how they worked, and then put them back together in better than original condition.  Madge is an accomplished pianist _and_ thriving as a Psych major.  Even Jo, with all her admitted faults, has a clear vision of what she wants out of life and a fierce determination to make sure it happens.  And while Caroline Everdeen won’t be winning any Mother of the Year awards, she’s still an amazing nurse.

Then there’s Peeta.  Peeta’s always been an exceptional student, a champion athlete, a pillar of their community.  He can paint the most gorgeous pictures and make killer cupcakes.  He’s sweet and funny and cute as hell.  And his only real flaw is that he’s head-over-heels for his loser girlfriend. 

Katniss doesn’t have any hidden talents or special skills.  She’s not particularly pretty.  Her grades have always been average, just like her everything else.  She’s hopeless.

Peeta knows there’s something wrong right off the bat, because it’s not as easy for her to hide her feelings when they’re face-to-face.  Besides, she’s tired of hiding it.  She’s tired, period.  She just wants to get it over with.

So she’s asks him to take her to the meadow in the park where they spent a lot of their previous summer because she doesn’t really know where to take him to break his heart.

He parks in the lot overlooking their spot and turns in his seat to face her.  “What’s wrong, Katniss?”

She’s played this over and over again in her head, envisioned about a million different ways it could go, but now they’re here and it’s real and nothing sounds right.

 _He’ll be so much better off_ , she reminds herself.  _And he’ll love someone else the same way some day._

She tries to silence the part of her that says that’s not true just as she tries to ignore the part of her that’s terrified it is.

“I…I think we should breakup.”

He’s so confused, but she can’t explain it.

“It’s not you, it’s me.”  God, is she really falling back on that cliché?  She can’t even be good at _this_.

He’s still not understanding, still begging her to _talk_ to him, so she shouts the one thing she knows will put them both out of their misery immediately.

 “I just don’t want to be with you anymore!”  That’s not at all true, but what she wants more than anything is to not feel this way anymore, and maybe this is where that starts. 

“Then I’ll take you home.”  They’re both about to cry and that’s no good either.

It’s spring and normally her favorite time of the year, even more so when it meant a summer with Peeta.  But she doesn’t have any of that now.  No Peeta, no plan of her own, not even any hope that any of it will get better.  So when he drops her off, not a word said between them, she does what she’s been doing a lot lately and heads straight to bed.

 


	3. Spoiler Alert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait on this. Basically, I suck. I know a couple of you were really looking forward to the ending and I truly hope you’re not disappointed.
> 
> And, uh, there are spoilers for The Big Lebowski. So if that’s as important to you as it is to a couple characters here, please consider yourself forewarned.

 

 

Her mouth feels like it’s stuffed with foul-tasting cotton, and her arm’s beginning to tingle from the weight of her head resting on it, but she can’t move, can’t get up and go to the bathroom and brush her teeth and shower like a normally functioning person would.  All she can do is lie in bed and listen to ‘N Sync’s “I Drive Myself Crazy” and the rest of the songs from Prim’s CD.  It’s sufficient punishment.

The night before, when it all fell apart, Prim came to her room with a chocolate bar and “mixed tape” to get her through the breakup.  “A lot of oldies but goodies,” she told her as the music started to play. 

It hasn’t stopped playing since, and Katniss doesn’t even want to eat the chocolate. 

 

**

 

“Katniss?”                               

“Mm.”

“It’s after 2!  Aren’t you gonna get out of bed?”  Prim’s standing at the door, regarding her pitifully. 

“Not today.”  She’s given herself the weekend to fall apart, and then she’ll be back at the dreaded office bright and early Monday morning.

“Katniss…” Prim trails off and Katniss closes her eyes to try to go back to sleep.

 

**

 

She makes it through work, and after surviving another miserable day of her miserable life with the miserable Snow and Co., she rewards herself with a nap.  She can’t even bother to remove her stockings before she crawls under the covers.  It’s a warm mid-May day, but she doesn’t mind the heat.

 _At least I went to work,_ she tells herself.  That’s more than her mother ever managed, and it’s a small comfort that helps deflects Prim’s pointed looks and not-so-subtle hints.

Her phone rings and she halfheartedly grabs for it, pausing when she sees Gale’s name on the screen.  She hesitates again before answering it.  “Hello?”

“What the hell did you do?”

Now Gale’s said that sentence to her about a thousand times over the years.  It was usually said with utter disbelief, like when she kneed Darius in the balls during a frustrating game of pickup basketball, or general exasperation, like when she scratched his car all up when he was teaching her to parallel park, or adoring amusement, like when she slipped on a patch of ice on the way to school and nearly knocked herself out in the process.

But this is not said with disbelief or exasperation or amusement.  Katniss knows Gale very well, and she knows his low, clipped tone is wrought with anger.  Gale’s mad at her.  And Gale’s _never_ been mad at her.  He wasn’t mad at her when she hurt his teammate, or his bumper, or his own tailbone on that day she pulled him down on the ice, too.  He wasn’t mad then, but he’s sure as hell mad now.

“I-I don’t…I-”

“You know you broke his heart, right?  He’s a fucking mess.”

Self-preservation kicks in immediately and she’s suddenly mad at _him._   How dare he?  As if he has any idea what happened.  She’s about to say as much to him when she finally hears what he said.  “You’ve seen him?” she asks.  Suddenly she’s desperate for every detail: the where and the when, a description of his appearance, maybe even a transcript of their entire conversation.  That’s not too much to ask for.

“Yeah.  He wasn’t answering any of my calls so I stopped by his place on my way home.  He’s completely wrecked.  So is his apartment.”

She worries her bottom lip.  This is what she wanted for him, though- a clean break that would heal nicely.  “And he told you?  That we broke up?”

“He didn’t _tell me_ much of anything.” He still sounds so annoyed with her, and damn, it hurts.  Isn’t he supposed to be her best friend?  Where’s the concern for her?

 _He picked Peeta_ , she realizes.  She’s heard about this happening before, the division among mutual friends following a breakup.  But Gale was _hers._ Anything else was unthinkable.  The idea that she could lose him, that they all wouldn’t still be friends…

Once, a few years ago, Peeta and Gale got into it while playing some touch football with a group of guys.  Peeta had possession of the ball, but instead of a simple two-hand touch to end the run, Gale tackled him with all he had.  The ensuing push led to a punch and then it was a full-out brawl.  Gale was a lot bigger but Peeta was stronger, and it resulted in a frustrating dead-lock that even the other teens grew bored with after a while.

As they fought pathetically on the ground, hurling obscenities and accusations at each other, Katniss realized the anger was rooted in more than a football foul.  She didn’t know who really started it, or why, but the fear that their friendships were ending was nearly overwhelming.  It’s a feeling that’s resurfacing now. 

She rubs at her temple, flustered.  She won’t really lose Gale.  She knows that deep down.  Even Gale and Peeta patched things up after a couple days, and that fight had come to blows.

But as she tries to calm her fears over Gale, she still can’t bear to think about her loss of Peeta’s friendship, or the total loss of Peeta from her life.  That’s something she didn’t really consider before the breakup and now she can’t.  She just can’t.

She doesn’t know what to say to Gale so she doesn’t say anything.  She’s not ready to offer up any details of the breakup to anyone other than Prim, and heaven knows she’s already regretting that decision.

  
“I made the Dean’s List,” he finally says after a long, uncomfortable silence.  He doesn’t give her a chance to congratulate him.  “Ma’s having a celebratory dinner Saturday night, and you better be there.” 

“Will he…Peeta be there, too?” she asks.

“Yeah.  So you’ve got five days to fix this.”  He hangs up before she has a chance to reply and she falls face-forward on the bed, sighing loudly.

 

**

 

She takes a deep breath and dials his number.  She has no idea what she’s actually going to say to him, but they have to talk sooner or later.

Her heart’s racing as it rings.  But it just rings and rings and then goes to voicemail, which is full.

 

**

 

There are, like, a million reasons why they shouldn’t be together.  But when she tries to think of some examples, just a few of those million, all that comes up is a gnawing feeling of regret.

Doing the long distance thing is so much harder than she ever expected, she reminds herself.  And Peeta also comes from a completely different background than hers. 

And, well, there’s the indisputable fact that they’re on two utterly different paths in life.  Peeta’s smart and likable and he’ll be a great success, and Katniss isn’t and won’t be.  It’s as simple as that. 

Anything else doesn’t matter, she realizes.  This would have happened anyway.  At least she got to end things first. 

 

**

 

He’s still not answering his phone.

 

**

 

Everything about life is so damn complicated.  There should be a handbook out there to help guide everyone through some of the tougher times.

She tries to mentally catalogue all of the advice she’s ever heard, whether it was from family, friends or some dumb column in the same magazine as those arbitrary number of sex tips.  She knows she’s supposed to have a career of some sort.  It should be something that she loves and that she’s good at, yet it has to be something that’s stable and pays well and has a higher-than-average national job growth rate.  But Katniss is so lost there she can’t bear to think about it for too long.

Love might be even more confusing.  Apparently long distance will never workout, so don’t bother.  And no one ends up with their first love, either.  Nope, that’s _never_ happened.

So you have to date an acceptable number of guys before finding the right one.  But the number can’t be too small or you’re settling, and the number can’t be too big or you’re a slut.  You should also be a certain age before falling in love; not too young, because then you don’t know what love is, and not too old because then you’re a spinster.

You also shouldn’t meet for the first time in a bar.  Or online.  Or at work.

And you should seamlessly straddle the fine line of being supportive but not losing yourself.  The relationship has to always be well-adjusted.  You should be comfortable but it should still be exciting.  You should have things in common to sustain the relationship, but enough differences to encourage growth.

Ugh, it’s all a mess.  She’s never doing this again, that’s for sure.

 

**

 

It’s Thursday and she still hasn’t talked to him.  She really doesn’t want to see him for the first time at the Hawthornes’ but she also doesn’t want to reach out too far.  The more often she calls, the likelier it is he’ll answer.

Prim is looking sheepish when she comes to Katniss’s room after work.  Katniss eyes her suspiciously, but she doesn’t say anything.  She owes Prim, after all; her little sister has gone to great lengths to keep their mother out of Katniss’s hair, and for that she will always be grateful.

Prim whistles quietly to herself as she makes her way to her sister’s bed, and her fingers are locked together behind her back in a telltale display of guilt.

“What’d you do?” Katniss asks as she stops the CD player, cutting off JC mid-note.

“Now don’t be mad.”

“ _What did you do_?”

Prim bites her bottom lip nervously before finally meeting Katniss’s eyes.  “I went to see Peeta today.”

At this rate it seems like everyone else will have seen or talked to Peeta before she does.  Just like it was with Gale, her first reaction is to screech, “Tell me _everything._ ”  But she has to play it cool in front of her little sister. “Oh?  How is he?”

Prim looks away.  “He’s seeing someone else, Katniss.”

She always heard people saying that bad news felt like a punch in the gut, but she never believed it to be like an actual physical blow.  But that’s exactly what this feels.  It’s suddenly very hard to breathe.  So she doesn’t.  After a sharp inhale, which she’s still holding, Prim continues.

“And…and Katniss, they’re _engaged_.”

 _What?_   She sits on the edge of her bed, shaking her head in complete disbelief.  Nothing makes any sense.  It’s barely been a week since they broke up!

Prim nods solemnly.  “And she’s pregnant.  _With twins_.”

Katniss finally lifts her head to glare at her sister, and the look is powerful enough to make Prim actually take a step back, her hands raised defensively.  “How do you _think_ he is, Kat?  He looks so sad and lost.  Like Mr. Heavensbee’s three-legged puppy.  You remember him?  That was awful.”

“Prim, I swear to god, if you don’t get out of here-”

“You should just get back together, okay?  Because I’m really starting to worry about you.  You’re sleeping all the time, and it’s…it’s like it was with mom.”  Her voice breaks at that, and there it is, Katniss’s worst fear realized. “And I don’t know what to do!  Why’s everyone always making everything harder than it has to be?”  She wipes at her eyes, and Katniss can’t bear to look at her anymore.

“Getting back with Peeta isn’t going to magically fix everything,” Katniss admits softly.  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I don’t know what I’m doing.”  She can feel her throat constricting as she tries to fight back tears.  “I’m so tired, Prim.”  She lies back on her mattress and stares at the ceiling as Prim makes her way toward her to climb into the bed and wrap her arm around her.

Prim sighs, and her warm breath tickles the back of Katniss’s neck.  “I’m sorry for upsetting you.  I just thought…if you realized how much you still wanted to be with Peeta, you could just go to him and then everything would be okay again.”  She gently runs her hand down Katniss’s braid, a calming gesture they both learned from their mother, and hugs her tighter.  “I just want you to be all right.”

Katniss sniffles, but tries to compose herself, if only for her sister’s sake.  She just wants to be all right, too.  “What did you say to Peeta?” she asks after a few minutes.

“Not a lot.  I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.  But I had to drop off his breakup mix.”

“Oh god, you made him a CD, too?” Katniss asks, laughing a little.  She can feel Prim’s shrug.

“Well, yeah,” she says.  “His has a lot more Backstreet Boys, though.”

At the mention of music, Katniss reaches for the remote to her player and, once again, the sound of ‘N Sync fills the room.  “You really miss him, huh?” Prim asks, and Katniss nods.

“It’s too bad Peeta’s hair doesn’t look like Justin Timberlake’s old style,” she adds knowingly.  “He’d probably be easier to forget if he had those yellow, crunchy curls.”

Again, Katniss laughs despite herself.  She lovingly pats Prim’s arm, which is still wrapped around her.  “I’m glad I’ve got you, Little Duck.”

“You always will.”

 

**

 

Gale’s dinner is only a day away, so Katniss decides to suck it up and go to the bakery after work.  But she spends an inordinate amount of time fixing her hair and makeup in the ladies’ room before she leaves, and since she’s pretty awful with both hair and makeup, she doesn’t get to Mellark’s until after 7, which is their closing time.

The ‘closed’ sign is already up in the window when she gets there.  She’s about to spin around and run away (already planning her, “Sorry, Gale, I tried!  I really tried!” speech) when she sees movement behind the counter.  She curses herself for not taking a little bit longer at work.  Now she _has_ to at least knock.

The woman who comes to the door, Cecilia, recognizes her immediately, and she smiles warmly as she unlocks and then ushers Katniss inside.  She tells her that Peeta’s in the back, and nothing about her disposition indicates that she knows they’re no longer together.

She stops at the swinging door that leads into the kitchen, and her palms are already unnaturally sweaty.  She takes a quick peek into the small square window, but she can’t see him, so she braces herself and then pushes forward.

He’s around the corner, his back to her as he leans over one of the large stainless steel tables they use to decorate cakes on, and he doesn’t seem to know she’s there.  She moves around it to stand on the other side, quietly watching him as he pipes icing on the dozens of mini cupcakes before him.  

Deep in concentration, he still doesn’t acknowledge her presence.  It’s funny to see him working so intently, especially knowing how much he despises decorating those trendy, tiny cakes.  He once said that it was like trying to paint a mural on a Post-it Note.

“Hi,” she finally says, and he jumps a little at the sound of her voice.  He looks up and just stares at her, and she fully takes in his appearance.  He looks awful, with dark circles under his eyes, which even his glasses can’t hide (and it’s always a bad sign when he doesn’t bother with his contacts).  He probably hasn’t shaved since that fateful night, so his face is covered in strong stubble, and his hair’s a mess of greasy curls flattened on top of his head.  And he kind of _does_ look like Tripod.  Now she feels bad for being so determined to look nice when they finally came face-to-face.

“Hey,” he says unfeelingly, and immediately goes back to work.  She hesitates as he proceeds to arrange tiny sugar flowers all over the mound of cream-colored icing.

“Uh, I thought maybe we should talk,” she tells him, but all of his attention is on the decorating.  She tries again.  “I didn’t think we should see each other for the first time again at Gale’s.”

When he looks up at her, she’s taken back by his scowl.  “Yeah, well, I’m not feeling so great, so I probably won’t make it tomorrow.  Sorry you wasted a trip.”  He pushes away from the table and moves past her, untying his apron along the way, and she spins on her heel to follow him.

“Hey, wait,” she calls out, and when he turns to face her, she freezes.

“What?” he asks expectantly, but she doesn’t know what to say and he just looks so _annoyed_.  “What are you here for, Katniss?” he presses.  “What do you want?”

She has absolutely no idea.  “I don’t know,” she admits.

This isn’t going at all how she thought it would.  Granted she didn’t spend a lot of time planning out any particular scenarios, but she didn’t expect his anger.  She was prepared for tears, and maybe even hoping for his compassion and comfort when he saw how much she was hurting, too.  But she didn’t see _this_ coming.

She’s suddenly very aware that this is probably a Defining Moment, and how she proceeds is going to have a profound impact on the rest of her life.  She can leave, right now, and things will continue as they are, and one day Peeta might even be a stranger to her.  Or she can cowboy up and at least offer an explanation for what happened, which is something she couldn’t manage when she just needed to end it.

He huffs in frustration, his apron bundled roughly in his hands.  He’s about to turn away again when she repeats her plea for him to wait.  “Can we go somewhere and talk?”

“About what?” he asks.

“Us,” she says, shrugging helplessly.  “About what happened.”

She can see the internal debate, but he finally relents.  “Fine.”

She assumes he’ll lead her up to his apartment, but he just goes back to the decorating table and starts on the last batch of cupcakes.  “So talk,” he directs, and Katniss is starting to get pissed off.  She knows he’s hurting, but this isn’t her Peeta and she can’t take much more of it.

Where does she start, anyway?  She’s too embarrassed to tell him about Temple, and too confused about everything else to start sorting through it all.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” she offers.  It’s lame, but it’s an opening.  But he just laughs bitterly, and that does nothing to curb her rising temper.

“Jesus, Peeta, I’m trying here!”

He’s shaking his head, but the cruel smile is falling from his face.  “All right.  Then tell me the truth, okay?  What did I do?”

“What do you mean?” she asks. 

“Was it something in particular?  Or…or was it just everything adding up?”  He continues to shake his head, ignoring her confusion.  “And why couldn’t you have talked to me about it first?  Maybe I could have done something.  Maybe I could have _changed_ something.”  It’s like the anger is draining out of him and all that’s left is a sad shell.  His shoulders slump visibly as he looks down at the table.  She’s starting to think she prefers a pissed Peeta to this.

“I know I can be a lot,” he admits softly.  “Intense, you know.  With my feelings, and what I tell you.”

She could rush to placate him, but the truth is, he’s not wrong.  But still, she _mostly_ liked that.  She wasn’t scared by how much he loved her; no, it was the idea that he could ever stop that worried her. 

And he would have, eventually, she reminds herself now.

He’s holding one of those small sugar flowers in his hand, pretending to study it intently, brushing a tiny petal with his large thumb, but doing it so gently that the delicate confection somehow does not break.

“It’s just…no one’s ever really loved me before.  And then to have it, and it to be _you_?”  He nearly chokes on that last word, and then he finally pulls his eyes away from the flower long enough to meet hers, and then they dart away again.

Oh _god,_ why can’t he just go back to being an asshole?  This is undoubtedly her Peeta, wearing his heart right there on his sleeve, but she’s not emotionally equipped to deal with this right now.

“I applied to Temple, and I didn’t get in.”  She kind of blurts it out, even surprising herself, but yes, she’ll take admitting this over the alternative.

“What?” he asks with a furrowed brow as he sets the flower back on the table.

“I, uh, applied to Temple.  I was thinking about going for a Bachelor’s, and I wanted to surprise you.”  She grabs the hem of her suit jacket and watches as she twists it between her fingers, too ashamed to look at him.  “But I didn’t get in.  And I felt…awful.”  After a beat, she dares to glance at him, and he opens his mouth to speak, but she raises her hand to stop him.  Suddenly she needs to finish saying this.  She has to get it all out there.

“I just couldn’t do it again.  I couldn’t handle another summer of hanging out with everyone, hearing about all of their plans for the future.  I don’t even have any plans for the future!  Then having to face you going back to Philadelphia, and in _July_ this time.  It’s all too much.

“So believe me when I say, again, that it isn’t _you_ , okay?”

He sighs as he moves away from the table to stand in front of her.  “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“Because it’s embarrassing!”

“I know.  I mean, _I know._ Did you forget that I didn’t get into _any_ of my top picks?”

She rolls her eyes.  “Peeta, you didn’t get into Harvard and Yale.  It’s not exactly the same thing.”

“I didn’t get into the schools my brothers got into, Katniss.  In my house, that’s all that matters.”

They’re both quiet for a few minutes, neither sure what to say next.  Finally Peeta asks, “You applied there so you could be with me?”

“Yes and no,” she answers honestly.  “It was for me, too.”

He nods in understanding.  “Yeah.  I get that.”  They’re silent again, neither sure what to do next.

“Are you really not going to Gale’s dinner?” she finally asks.

“I don’t know,” he shrugs.  “I probably will.  He’s just going to track me down if I don’t.”

She smiles at that, because she knows it’s true.  “So I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow,” he returns, the barest hint of a smile, too.

It’s sprinkling lightly when she leaves the bakery, and she inhales the scent of the rain against cement.  She doesn’t feel better or worse.  Nothing was really resolved.  But at least it’s a start.

 

**

 

Hazelle Hawthorne could never afford to shower Gale with gifts for all of his academic achievements, of which there are many.  But she would cook up a storm of his favorite foods to reward him, and eventually Katniss and Peeta were expected to join the family for these dinners.  Now it’s a tradition.

Tonight’s menu consists of extra crispy fried chicken, the creamiest macaroni and cheese in the history of the world, and a giant…garden salad?

“What’s that?” Gale asks, horrified, when she sets the bowl of greens on the table.

“You’re starting to get a little pudgy, Pumpkin.  A salad would do you good.”

His mouth drops open in shock, affording Katniss a disgusting view of half-chewed mac and cheese.  Then he grunts and goes back to shoveling food in his mouth, and that’s the end of that discussion.

Next to her, Peeta’s uncharacteristically quiet.  He still brought the dessert, and he’s looking much more like his old self, so she’s taking it all as a good sign.

With the weather really warming up and summer looming ahead, Rory, Vick and Posy eat quickly and then rush back outside to play.  Prim had been invited to the dinner, too, but declined because of plans with Rue.  So now it’s just Katniss, Peeta, Gale and Hazelle sitting around the old dining room table, and Katniss already knows what’s next.

“So Gale got straight A’s this semester, and Katniss _graduated!_ ”  She’s cutting the cake, and she hands a plate to Katniss.  “What about you Peeta?  How are things at Penn?”

“Things are good,” he offers with a polite smile.  “There’s not really much to report.”

Katniss thinks it’s nice that Hazelle always wants to acknowledge their accomplishments, too, but this isn’t really a discussion she feels like having now.  When everyone has their slice of chocolate cake and Hazelle looks over at her again, she dreads any further talk.

“Peeta got a 24 on the DAT,” Katniss says, intercepting the attention.  Besides, Peeta deserves the spotlight for a moment anyway.  He certainly never gets enough recognition from his own family.  “That’s in the 98th percentile.”  She totally looked that up as soon as he told her his score, and even though she was drowning in her own misery, she really was proud of him.

Both Hazelle and Gale turn their attention to him, grinning.  Gale says, “That’s awesome, man!” and Peeta sinks down in his seat a little.

“Thanks,” he tells them.  “But it’s nothing.  It’s actually embarrassing how much I studied for it.  I didn’t even come back during breaks.”  He stares down at his food and quietly adds, “I probably should have just come home.”

Later, when Peeta and Katniss both stand to clear the table, Hazelle tries to shoo them away as she always does.  But Gale intercepts this time, and Katniss doesn’t miss the look he gives Hazelle when he leads her away, insisting that they ‘earn their keep.’

“I wash, you dry?” Peeta offers.  Katniss nods her agreement and stands next to him at the sink. 

They work together in an uncomfortable silence for a while, and then she just can’t take it anymore.  She has to say _something_. 

“It really is great…your score.”  She wants to tell him again that she’s proud of him, but she’s pretty sure she gave up that right already.  But still, who doesn’t like to hear that?  So she says it when she’s carefully placing the silverware in the drying rack and her eyes don’t have to meet his.

“Thanks,” he says softly.  Then he looks over at her and offers the most genuine smile she’s seen on him since that night last week when he picked her up.  “I’m proud of you, too.”  Okay, so _she_ doesn’t like to hear it.  He sighs, annoyed with her scoffing.  “I don’t know why you don’t give yourself more credit.”

“It’s not a big deal,” she shrugs.

“It _is_ ,” he insists.

She falls quiet.  It’s _not._ A big deal is attending an Ivy League college, like Peeta.  Or studying abroad in England, like Madge.  Or working your way from barely graduating high school to going for a Doctor of Engineering degree, like Gale.

“It’s Temple’s loss, Katniss,” he adds.  “Really.”

Peeta sees her differently.  It’s a side-effect of a longtime crush.  But the day will inevitably come when those rose-colored glasses are lifted and he realizes that there’s not anything special about Katniss Everdeen.

He hands her another dish and then resubmerges his hands in the soapy water.  He’s trying to look busy, like he’s intently concentrating on the task, but she knows everything that happened between them is still weighing heavily on him.

Ugh, he should be enjoying his summer and the payoff for his hard work, not moping over her.

They’re quite for a while, and when the last pan is dried, he grips the edge of the countertop.  “I think we both need to work on some things.”  She nods her agreement, though she’s not exactly sure what it is he needs to fix about himself.

“Sorry if I’ve been a jerk to you the last couple days.”

“You weren’t so bad.”

They walk into the living room together, and he stands awkwardly at the front door.   “I should get going.  Cakes to ice, and all that.”  He congratulates Gale and thanks Hazelle, and gives Katniss a small smile and wave goodbye as he heads out.

“You okay?” Gale asks her after Peeta leaves.

“Yeah,” she manages, thankful for the concern but really not ready to talk about anything yet.  He’s usually so good about not pushing, so she freezes up when he drapes his arm around her and whispers, “Katniss, tell me the truth.”

He takes a deep breath.  “Am I getting fat?”

 

**

 

Maybe she will get cats, she decides.  Maybe she’ll get _a lot_ of them, and she’ll make them wear bonnets and name them after _Downton Abbey_ characters.  It’s the closest thing she has to a plan.

She’s tried to distract herself with work and planning an outing for Prim’s upcoming Sweet Sixteen, but _she misses him._ She misses him so much.  She misses laughing with him, and kissing him, and curling into his side while they watch television together on hot summer nights. 

She was hurting so bad, though, and it was like an inflamed wound where all she could concentrate on was the pain.  But instead of treating the site, she lopped off her entire appendage.  Now it feels like she’s missing her right arm.  Just how did she come to rely so heavily on him when he was 300 miles away for the better part of the year? 

Ah, and she misses sex, too.  At first, she thought it was perfectly acceptable to fondly reminisce about their times together, because they were just getting so _good_ at it!  So she’d take care of things while remembering the way Peeta moved above her, his arm supporting her back as she held her weight with her shoulders, arching her entire body.  It always felt amazing, and that was definitely her favorite position.

But now she doesn’t want to think about it because it invariably leads to thoughts about her future of celibacy and, worse yet, worry over Peeta and day he starts to move on. Try as she might, she can’t help but imagine a time when Peeta will be rolling off of his new, gorgeous lover.  And as they both light up cigarettes, she’ll exclaim, “That was _incredible!_ ” and he’ll say, “Thanks.  I learned a lot with my _first girlfriend._ Funny, I can’t remember her name.”

Katniss groans as she covers her eyes with her hands, digging the heels into her sockets hard enough to leave spots in their wake.  She really has to get a grip.  Or a kitten.

 

**

 

Gale has a new girlfriend.  Johanna has a new boyfriend.  Prim has a learner’s permit and Katniss’s car keys.

There’s still Madge, who is unenthusiastically preparing to leave for London at the end of the summer.  By no means is her friend a braggart, but Katniss is still too deep in her own insecurities to be around her much.

That leaves Peeta, but it’s not like Katniss has the nerve to call him or anything.

She passes time by taking online career aptitude tests, which are always a bust because they want you to pay for the real results.  One night, after carefully filling out over a hundred questions, she hits the ‘view results’ button only to be taken to a page asking for her credit card information.  She nearly throws her laptop out the window.

As she’s gritting her teeth, her phone pings with a text alert.  Her breath hitches when she sees it’s from Peeta.

 _‘The Room’_ _is on Comedy Central now.  Uncut._

She types out and then erases about twenty different replies before settling on, _Thanks.  I could use a moving cinematic experience._

Her thumbs are still tingling from the exertion when he messages her back.

 _Ha, me too._  

So does she text him again?  Does that even merit a reply?  She could ask how he is, though she’s mildly terrified to do so.

He messages her back.  _So how are you?_

 _Good!_ But she deletes that.

 _Awful._ She deletes that, too.

_Okay, I guess.  You?_

It’s a few minutes before her phone buzzes.  _Same.  Can I call you?_

She reads that message over and over and then, finally, sends back, _okay!_ Then she freaks out when she realizes that she used an exclamation point.  Why oh why did she use an exclamation point?

When her phone rings, she feels like her stomach is falling to her feet.  Why is she so nervous?  It’s _Peeta._

Oh god, _it’s Peeta!_

“Hi.”

“Hi.  I figured you were tired of texting and I just wondered if you wanted to watch it with me?  You know, over the phone?”

“Oh. Okay, yeah.”

It’s strange at first, and they don’t say much, just laugh at the best worst parts.  But something about watching the most terrible acting ever caught on film seems to ease any tension, and she finds herself asking him about the bakery and his last summer of shadowing, and he asks her about work and Prim.

“So…talk to you later?” she asks after the movie ends, and he tells her, “Of course,” and she really loves the way he says it.

She’s spent so much time in bed since the breakup, but that night is the first time since it happened that she has a restful sleep.

 

 

**

 

 

Sae’s Strikes is a dumpy old bowling alley just outside the city, but its patrons commonly refer to it as Greasy Sae’s for both the overly oily lanes and delicious snack bar offerings.

But Katniss, Gale and Peeta like it for the dirt cheap specials (all you can bowl for five bucks) and general ambience associated with poor lighting and the stench of stale beer.

Gale always uses their bowling nights as a way to introduce his friends to the current woman in his life.  The same girl rarely makes a repeat appearance, and Katniss and Peeta like that because it means Gale’s partner usually doesn’t have a chance to get good.  Since the three are terrible bowlers, they need all the help they can get.

Tonight, they’re meeting Gale’s newest girl, the one Katniss has barely heard anything about.  When Gale texted her with the invite, Katniss took it as an excuse to call Peeta and ask what he knew about the newest lady love.  It stung to realize he seemed to know quite a bit, including that Gale seems pretty crazy about her.

Peeta’s truck is already in the parking lot when she pulls in, and she finds herself feeling nervous immediately.  Aside from a few texts and the two phone calls, they haven’t interacted since the dinner at Gale’s.  And as she enters the building, she can’t help but think that if she and Peeta were still together, she would have rode with him and he would have opened the door for her and got her shoes and helped her track down the two bowling balls she always uses.

She can’t find them now.  She searches all the racks on the back wall and then starts the arduous process of checking the ball returns at each lane.  She tries out others on the way, but they’re either too heavy or don’t fit her fingers.  Besides, she wants the pretty blue swirly one and her lucky green one.  She once bowled an impressive 87 with it.

“Hey!”

She spins around to find Peeta smiling at her, the lucky green one in his left hand, and pretty blue swirly one in his right.  “I got those balls you like.”  As soon as the words leave his mouth, his smile falls and then he drops his head dramatically, shamed.

“Thanks,” she grins, taking them from him.  “For the balls and, you know, being the first to say something awkward.”

He’s about to say something else when Gale appears, clapping his hands to get their attention.  “All right, Bristel’s running late at work so she won’t be here for a while.  Let’s get a game in now so the Hawthorne ass-kicking can commence.”

Peeta and Katniss share a look, because while they both admittedly suck, Gale _really_ sucks.

Katniss is first up, and she knocks down three pins on the first ball, and three more on the second.  “More than half,” Gale whistles while writing down her score.  “Nice start.”

Peeta goes next, and as always, takes an obnoxiously long time positioning his body and setting up his shot.  Katniss’s eyes linger a little too long on his…form, while he does so.  There’s something mesmerizing about the way his grey Penn tee clings to his arms and shoulders and then just sort of hangs around his narrow hips.  She gets a peek of his olive cotton belt when he bends forward, but his shirt doesn’t ride up enough to reveal any skin. 

Stupid belt, she thinks.  She knows that belt.  She’s unbuckled that belt about a hundred times.

“Today, Mellark!” Gale yells, and that breaks her out of her reverie.  But only for a second, because when he actually releases the ball, she does get a tiny flash of his bare back and that sets her off again long enough to miss his shots and Gale’s.

“Katniss?  Earth to Katniss?” Gale waves his hand in front of her, and she pushes it away, annoyed.  She hits the gutter both times on her turn.

When they’re on the sixth frame and Peeta’s up again, she takes the time to ask Gale about his new girlfriend.  She doesn’t really know anything but her name, and she started picturing Girl Gale when she learned that he seemed to really like her. 

“She’s getting her PhD in biomedical engineering,” he says proudly, and Katniss plasters on a semi-convincing smile in return.  Great, another future doctor to bowl with.   Just lovely.

“Dammit, Gale!” Peeta yells as he tries to find his ball in the packed return rack.  Gale blames the ball for every poor frame and then immediately goes to find a new one, so they accumulate quickly.  “You’ve got too many balls!”

“Impressive, isn’t it?”

“Put some back!”

He does it begrudgingly, and Katniss watches as Peeta gets a spare.  When Gale returns, he mentions that Bristel is also a little older.

“A little?” Peeta snorts as he takes a seat next to Katniss.  “She’s 29!”

Katniss’s eyes widen.  “She’s 29?”

“I needed someone a little more mature after spending so much time with you children,” Gale calls back from the fault line.

He gets the gutter, and then knocks down two pins.  When he comes back to sit down as Katniss is readying her turn, she hears him tell Peeta that there’s _nothing_ like an experienced older woman.  “Man, some of the stuff she’s said she wants to do to me I’ve had to look up on Urban Dictionary.”  Katniss grits her teeth before releasing the ball, and all she gets is one damn pin.  She glares at Gale while Peeta’s taking his turn, but he feigns innocence.

“Maybe you can set him up with one of her friends from the AARP,” she mutters to him. 

He just smirks back at her and says, “You’re looking a little green there, Catnip.”  That shuts her up immediately.

Before they finish the final frame, a pretty brunette joins their group and wraps her arms around Gale.  He absolutely beams in her presence, and again Katniss feels hurt that she knows so little about someone who obviously makes him so happy.

“Guys, this is Bristel.  Bristel, this is Peeta and Katniss.”

They both greet her politely and she smiles, repeating their names as she takes turns shaking their hands.  Katniss can tell by the overly enthusiastic expression and the sweat on her palm that she’s nervous.

“So Gale says you’re a grad student at Pitt?” Peeta asks, moving to sit with her and chat.   Katniss knows he’ll calm her down.

They all bowl a game together, but Katniss finds her mind wandering every time it’s not her turn.  She’s glad the tension is thawing between her and Peeta, but she doesn’t feel the relief she assumed she would.  She doesn’t understand how to go from what they had back to just friends.  Ugh, that term alone.  _Just friends_.  As important as her friendships are to her, it’s not the same.  With Peeta, she had the comfortableness, the fun, the trust.  But she also had this sense of stability and intimacy that she never expected but really came to crave.

Nope, she thinks, subtly shaking her head.  She can’t trade practicality for romance.  What’s done is done and she has to focus on herself now.

Gale nudges her with his elbow, indicating that she’s up next, so she walks to the ball return for the pretty blue swirly one.  Peeta passes her on the way and smiles at her _again_.  It immediately rattles her.  Maybe that’s his strategic bowling move.

She throws the ball down the lane without a care and then walks away.  “Woo!” she hears Gale call out, and she looks up to find that he, Peeta and Bristel are clapping for her.  She turns around to see that she got a strike. 

She makes her way back to the gang who are all huddled around a nearby table.  Peeta’s grinning now.  “The elusive strike! Congratulations!” he says.

“Thanks.”  He’s standing so close to her, and it kind of drives her crazy that she no longer has the girlfriend privilege to just reach out and touch him whenever she wants.  Her eyes linger on his arm, on the fair skin not covered by his short-sleeved shirt.  She remembers how hard his muscles are, how her own hand looked so small when it was wrapped around his bicep, which it often was whenever he was on top of her, moving inside of her.  Ah, that was always her favorite position.

She finds herself absently reaching for him, feels her fingertip gliding down from the inside of his elbow to his wrist.  He’s watching her do it, and when she lifts her head and her eyes meet his, she sees confusion there.  That’s when she realizes what she’s done, and she immediately brushes her hand back and forth as if she’s clearing dust from his forearm. 

“Hey Katniss!” Bristel calls out, unknowingly saving her.  “Want to sit out the next game and get something to eat?”

“ _Yes_ ,” she says, spinning away from Peeta without a second glance.

Bristel tells her that she’s been dying to try some of Sae’s legendary food, and Katniss offhandedly mentions that the chili’s good.  Her face is still hot with embarrassment.

“I think I want to try one of those deep fried Oreos,” she says, and then cups her hand to her mouth to yell for Gale.  “Gale?  Do you want me to get you some deep fried Oreos?”

His shoulders slump dejectedly and he sadly shakes his head.  Bristel just shrugs and moves to the counter to order. 

They sit down while they’re waiting for the food, and Bristel begins chatting animatedly.  Katniss tries to be polite for Gale’s sake and so she asks about her studies, and Bristel surprises her by saying that it’s her second semester back after a four year break.  “I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do after getting my Masters, so I took some time off to work.”

“You’re sure now?” Katniss asks curiously.

“I guess I’m as sure as someone like me will ever get,” she smiles.

Bristel’s pretty easy to talk to, and she’s already engaged her more than any other girl Gale’s ever brought to bowling night.  Katniss normally isn’t one for chit-chat, but she’s not really hating it now.

“So, I don’t know if Gale told you, but I’m sort of an astrology geek.”  She leans in, whispering, “I’ve pegged Peeta as a Pisces.  Is that right?”

Katniss laughs a little.  Yeah, this is definitely _not_ Girl Gale.  “His birthday’s on March 19th.”

“Ah, so he’s on the cusp!  Interesting!”  She taps her chin thoughtfully.  “You though…I can’t quite figure you out.”

“Taurus,” Katniss admits before Bristel has a chance to venture a guess.  Not that Katniss really believes in any of this stuff.

“Taurus!  Yeah, okay!  I can definitely see you as a Taurus.”

Katniss isn’t sure what else to say, so she falls silent.  But Bristel is still chirping away happily.  “I read palms, too,” she admits.  “Mind if I read yours?”

 _Ah, what the hell?_ she thinks, and she holds out her arm.  Bristel takes Katniss’s hand in both of hers and turns it over to read her palm.  She traces her finger along the lines and mounts, her lips pursed in thought.

“You’re very loyal,” she begins.  “Family means the world to you.   And while you only have a few close friends, the people you choose to let into your life are just as important as the ones born into it. There’s nothing you wouldn’t do for someone you love.

“You’re strong, too.  _So_ strong.  Stronger than you even know.”

Katniss swallows thickly.  “You can tell all that just from my hand?”

Bristel’s eyes lift to meet hers, and then they dart over toward Gale, who’s picking out yet another ball from a different lane’s return rack.  “Well, no,” she admits, patting Katniss’s hand before releasing it.

Peeta’s now joined Gale and is obviously chiding him for his annoying habit.  Both of the girls watch them as they argue playfully.  “Just look at them,” Bristel says.  “It’s like Fred Flinststone and Barney Rubble at the Bedrock Bowling Alley.”

Katniss snorts, because damn, they really do look like Fred and Barney together.  Their laughter must catch the guys’ attention because soon they’re walking toward them, still arguing along the way.

“I’m officially implementing a Delay of Game rule,” Peeta announces when they reach the table.

“Bullshit,” Gale says adamantly.  “We don’t play by any rules with bowling.”

“Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules,” Peeta says, and Bristel’s brows furrow in confusion.

“ _The Big Lebowski,_ ” Katniss tells her, to clarify.  “Expect them to quote it _a lot_.  Gale will likely be reciting Donny’s eulogy from the end before the night is over.”

“Ahh!” Bristel yells, covering her ears.  “Spoiler alert!”

“Damn, Catnip!  We were gonna watch that tonight!”

Katniss slinks down in her seat, surprised by their reaction, while Peeta watches on in amusement.  “ _Yeah_ , Katniss,” he says. 

After they’ve bowled all they can bowl, they return the disgusting bowling shoes for their own and then meet up at the exit to say their goodbyes. 

“We’re gonna take off,” Gale says.  “Still probably watch the movie.”  He looks at Katniss pointedly. “Though it won’t have the same emotional impact now.”

“It was so great meeting you guys,” Bristel says, and then she hugs each of them, somewhat stunning Katniss.  They all wave to each other as the new couple leaves the building, and then Katniss turns to Peeta awkwardly, not sure where to go from here.

“Can I walk you to your car?” he offers, and she nods.

It’s extremely humid out for a June night, but Katniss doesn’t really mind the stifling heat that hits them as soon as they leave the cool air conditioning.  As they walk quietly to her old sedan, she tries to not think about all of the times in the last two summers when they left together after a night like this.

“So…Bristel seems nice,” she says to break the silence.

“Yeah, definitely.”

“I feel kinda bad that I ruined the movie for them.”

Peeta laughs.  “I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” he assures her.  “They were probably never going to make it through the movie anyway.”  At her look of confusion, Peeta shrugs.  “Gale likes to brag.”

“Oh,” she says, getting it.  “Ew.”  After what feels like an eternal silence, she finally gestures to her car door.  “I should go.”

His head bobs in agreement and he reaches out to squeeze her arm.  “Drive safe.”

He walks away with an unusual amount of hustle, and she immediately seeks refuge in her car.  Safely ensconced inside, she exhales slowly.  And then proceeds to beat her head against the steering wheel.

 

**

 

She can’t handle it for another second.  If she doesn’t do something about this soon, she’s going to go crazy.

So she takes off early from work so she can see him, but she’s a bundle of nerves once she’s standing outside his door.  She takes a second to compose herself and then knocks loudly.

“Come in.”

She greets him as Mr. Abernathy, and he scowls at her.  “Didn’t you graduate?  Didn’t I get rid of you?”

“Well, yeah,” she says.  “But…I could use some advisement?”

He blows out a puff of air.  “And I am an advisor.  Go ahead, sit down.”

She does, and then launches into an explanation for her appearance.  “I didn’t get into the only college I applied to, and now I’m not sure what to do.”  She shakes her head.  “I don’t _know_ what to do.  I don’t know what I _want_ to do.”

He leans forward, his dark eyes piercing hers.  “You mean to tell me you’re, what, 19-years-old and you haven’t figured out _exactly_ what you want to do with your life yet?”  He barks in laughter.  “Well, you’re finished.  No one can help you!  Go on, get out!”

She rolls her eyes at the obvious sarcasm.  “I’m serious.  I feel stuck.  And everyone else I know isn’t stuck and that makes it even worse.  And…I’m 20.”

He holds up a black Swingline stapler.  “First off, if everyone else you know ends up doing exactly what they say they want to do, come back here and I’ll eat this paperweight.”  He slams it down on his desk.  “Secondly?  I told you so.”

Her jaw locks in aggravation as she stands, and she chastises herself for the wasted trip.  “Great.  Thanks for that.  Really.”  But at the door, she spins around to face him again, incensed.  “You know, when someone’s already at their lowest, it’s really not necessary to try and knock them down further.  You’re here to help your students.  To _help_ them!”

“You’re no longer my student.”

Damn, he has her there.  She stands awkwardly at the entrance to his office for a minute before he takes pity on her.  “All right, sweetheart.  What can I help you with?”

She fumbles for the folder in her bag, a week’s worth of research and meetings with HR.  She’d realized a while ago that Temple was a pipe dream and there was no way she would have been able to afford the tuition plus all the living costs, even with some financial aid and students loans that would have haunted her forever.  But she recently found out that Capitol did tuition reimbursements and she’s been trying to parlay that into some sort of plan for herself.

Haymitch, as he insists she call him, looks over the papers.  “You’d have to take a lot of business courses for them.  You okay with that?”

“Sure,” she says, shrugging.  “As long as they’re paying for it.”  She takes the papers from him to flip to the deadline schedule.  “But I’ve only got a month to find a college that will accept me into one of the programs.”

He folds his hands together as he leans back in his chair, swiveling slightly as he narrows his eyes in concentration.  “You’re smart.”   He says it as if it’s something he’s just now remembering, and Katniss’s eyes widen a little at the statement.  No one’s ever called her smart before.  Well, at least not anyone who didn’t _have_ to say it.

“I got a buddy over at Point Park.  It’s a good school, lotta flexibility.  He can probably get some stuff together for you if you’re interested.”

She nods enthusiastically.  This is something.  This is a plan.

“Thank you,” she says genuinely, taking the contact information from him.  She’s trying not to get ahead of herself, but this is the best she’s felt in months.  “I’ll call him tomorrow!”

“You’ll call him Monday!” he corrects quickly.  “Tomorrow’s Dart Day at the Pollack club and he’s my partner.  Don’t bug him until after the weekend.”  She agrees.

“And sweetheart?” he calls when she’s at the door, and she turns around.

“Just…take things one day at a time.  Sometimes that’s all you can do, you know?  You’ll be all right.”

She repeats her thanks, and she actually smiles at him before she leaves.

 

 

**

 

She should just call him, really.  A simple, “Hey, Peeta!  What’s up?”  That’s all.  That’s nothing!

It’s not that she wants to get back together with him.  Well, she does, but she knows it’s pretty crummy to break things off when she’s at her worst and then expect to reconcile as soon as she’s feeling better.  She doesn’t want to hurt him, but she does _miss_ him.  And there’s also a certain anniversary date just around the corner and she kind of wants to spend it with him, even if it’s at the movies or something.

She squeezes her eyes shut and hits ‘send’ before she can think about it anymore. 

He answers on the third ring.  “Hey.”

“Hello.  Uh, how are you?”

“Not bad.  Tired.  It was a long day at work.  You?”

“I’m all right.  I was, um, wondering if maybe you’d like to hang out this weekend?”  Has her voice always been this high and squeaky?  Ew.

“Oh.”

Well that’s not exactly the response she was hoping for.

“I mean, I would.  Like to.  But I already have plans.”

“Oh,” she echoes.  “Hot date?”  She winces as soon as she says it and vows to put Prim in charge of all of her future human interactions.

Besides, it’s not like she still has any claim over him.  She doesn’t _own_ Peeta Mellark.

( _Yes, I do_ , she thinks.  _He’s mine, dammit_.)

He laughs a little.  “If you consider a camping trip with my older brother a hot date.  Which I do.  So yeah.”

“Camping?  _You’re_ going camping?”

“Scary thought, huh?  But yeah, it’ll be nice to get away for a little while.”

“Yeah,” she says, understanding.  “Well, maybe we can hang out when you get back?”

“Definitely,” he agrees.  She’s about to say goodbye when he adds, “Actually, we’re not leaving until Saturday afternoon.  We could get lunch together first.  I mean, if you want.”

Oh, she does.

 

**

 

Lunch is nice.  It’s easy to talk to Peeta.  And he always hangs on her every word, as if she’s saying the most important thing in the world.

But she doesn’t tell him about Point Park until they’re walking back to the bakery together, and when she does, he’s ecstatic for her.  His enthusiasm is kind of contagious, and for the first time, she lets herself get excited about it, too. 

“I have to stay on full-time at work, so I can’t take too many credits at once, but they’re covering all the tuition.”

“That’s awesome.”

“And Chaff, he’s the one Haymitch introduced me to, he said that there’s this two-week long conference at Cleveland State this August for business students, and he wants me to go.  I’ll be staying in a dorm there and everything.”  She sounds like a little kid yammering on the way she is, but it’s hard to care at the moment.

He grins.  “It sounds like things are really falling into place.”

“Well, I don’t know, I guess.  I get to take classes for free, so that’s nice.”

“It’s a start, right?”

“Yeah,” she says, grinning now, too.  “It’s a start.”

They stop at his truck parked outside, and it appears that his brother is already loading camping gear into the bed. 

“I should help him get everything together,” Peeta says, motioning to it.  She hears a sweet, mumbled, “Hi, Katniss,” and turns to see Martin shuffling toward the truck, a heavy sleeping bag tucked under each arm.  She figured that Peeta would be camping with Rye.  Rye’s the most athletic one, after all.  Martin’s nice, but kind of clumsy and chubby, and it doesn’t exactly ease any of her worries about Peeta spending a week in the woods.

“I’m gonna get going,” she says, pulling something from her pocket.  “But I wanted to give this to you first.”  She hands him a compass that used to belong to her father.  “If you get lost, just keep going north.  Cause, uh, then you’ll end up in Canada, I guess.  And Canada’s nice.”

“Thank you,” he says, examining it.

“And watch out for snakes.  And don’t eat any berries.”

“I’ll be careful, Katniss,” he promises.  They both go in for a hug at the same time, and he says he’ll call her when he gets back.

 

**

 

She didn’t think he meant _right_ when he got back, but he must have, because when he calls her the next weekend, he’s just getting to his apartment.

Not that Katniss minds, though.  Not at all.  The past week was somehow the longest of all the ones they’ve been apart.

“Do you want to come over?  Watch a movie?”

“Sure,” she agrees coolly.  Or at least she hopes it came out that way.

“Great.  But I have to take a good two-hour shower before you get here.”  He starts laughing nervously and Katniss isn’t sure why.  “Ah, just because I’m so dirty.  Wait, I mean, because I was in the woods for a week.  That’s…that’s how I’m dirty.  I’m just going to shower, is all.  I’m not going to do anything else, in the shower.  Just shower.  I’m not-”

“You can stop talking, Peeta.”

He exhales, and it crackles over the phone.  “Thanks.  I think I must have gotten too much fresh mountain air.”

“How about six?”

“ _What?_ ”

“How about I come over at six o’clock?”  She enunciates carefully this time.

“Oh, okay.  That’s good.  See you then.”  And he hangs up.

 

**

 

He got a new lamp.  And the coffee table is pushed further away from the couch.  Those are the only changes she can spot right away, but it’s enough for her to realize that things are definitely different.

Try telling that to her body, though.  Her stupid, traitorous body that seems to be expecting Peeta to turn off the television and pin her against the cushions, whatever they were watching forgotten.  He did that _all_ the time.  She still doesn’t know how _The Shawshank Redemption_ ends.

“Uh, I didn’t know what you wanted to watch,” he says, settling on the opposite end of the sofa and scrolling through the programming guide.  “Did you want to get something On Demand?”

“It doesn’t matter.”  She curls her feet underneath her and tries to get cozy.  “Is there anything on cable?”

“Hmm.  _Valkyrie_ ’s on HBO.  That’s the one where the German officers plot to assassinate Hitler.  Spoiler alert: they don’t.”

“Forget that then,” she laughs.  “It’s not going to have the same emotional impact now.”

“ _The Avengers_ is on Showtime.”

“We already saw it.”

“You slept through most of it!  And that was forever ago.”

 _Forever ago._   Ugh.  “That’s fine, then.”  So he turns that on and she leans her head against the back of the couch and tries to think pure thoughts.

It’s not working.  Halfway through the movie, she’s so wet that it’s physically uncomfortable.  The whole apartment is flooded with too many memories, especially the damn sofa they’re both sitting on right now.  Oh, the best was when he would flip her on to her stomach, and she’d brace herself against the arm of the couch while he took her from behind.  It was her favorite position.

She doesn’t know if he’s remembering all of these things, too.  He _has_ to be.  Maybe that’s why he’s been holding a throw pillow over his lap for the last hour.

It’s not that she lacks self-control.  Katniss actually thinks she has a great deal of restraint, especially when it comes to her own wants and even needs.  But if _he_ wants it, and she obviously wants it, too, then what’s the issue, really?

So she decides that she’ll snatch the pillow from him, see what’s up, and proceed as appropriate. 

It takes another ten minutes for her to work up the nerve to turn around in her seat.  He’s focusing on the fight scene and doesn’t seem to notice her watching him.  So she leans forward and grabs the pillow and as soon as her hand meets the fabric, she regrets it.  What the hell is she doing?

But…she wasn’t wrong.  They’re both frozen, their eyes locked together. She could make a stupid joke about camping and pitching a tent and then find an excuse to leave early, or she could go for it.

She decides to go for it.  She tosses the pillow on the floor in front of him and uses it to cushion her knees as she settles down.  It’s not easy, but she forces her eyes to stay with his, and as she runs her hands up his thighs, she asks, “Do you want me to take care of that for you?”  And god that sounded so sexy in her head but it probably didn’t come out that way at all.

Peeta licks his lips and nods, lifting up to help her tug his sweats down.  She breaks contact only when her eyes instinctively close as soon as she takes him in her mouth, but she can still hear his moans and feel his fingers as they dig into her hair.  He smells soapy and tastes salty and she forces her eyes open because it’s not enough, she needs to see him, too.

Sometimes before, when they were like this, he would have his head thrown back and his mouth open.  But not now.  He’s watching her like his life depends on it, so she tries to match his intensity, her mouth and her hand working together to finish him off.

He’s usually much louder than he’s being right now, she realizes, and she doesn’t understand why he’s not talking like he usually does.  Maybe he’s afraid to speak, as if it’ll break the spell and they’ll both push away from each when they realize what they’re doing.  She has the same fear.  But it’s still unnerving, his quietness.  She’s not used to that.

So she asks, “Is this okay?” because she needs to hear _something_ and if it’s not, well, it’s better for them to stop now.  He just nods enthusiastically.  “Take off your shirt?” he asks hopefully, and she pulls back long enough to whip it over her head.  “You too,” she says, and so he does the same.

When her head dips back down again, he starts running his fingers through her hair from the scalp to the ends, and then he wraps the strands around his fist.  This is how he lets her know he’s close, using a gentle tug to warn her. 

She takes him deeper into her mouth, aiming for the back of her throat.  When she first started doing this, it was usually a disaster with lots of spitting and gagging.  But she was determined, and eventually they figured it out together.  Now when his body tenses, she knows exactly how to take him, and she feels slightly victorious when the silence breaks and he starts chanting her name.

“Come here,” he says after, reaching for her.  She stands up, wiping her mouth as he pulls her down onto his lap.  His head immediately falls against her chest, his lips trailing kisses along her collarbone and at the swell of her breasts.  She closes her eyes in bliss as she rests her chin against the top of his head, and his soft hair smells so clean and _good_ and it’s almost enough to make her feel content with just this and nothing more.

But as soon as he goes for the waistband of her shorts and underwear, she remembers how she’s been feeling all night.  She balances herself against his shoulders as he yanks them down her legs with next to no grace. 

She straddles him again as soon as they’re off, and then she starts to rock her hips against his stomach, so ridiculously turned on that it’s almost enough to do it for her.  As her fingernails dig into his shoulders, he whispers in her ear, “What do you want, Katniss?”  It’s a loaded question, really, but his voice is low and teasing. 

“Just tell me,” he urges.  “I’ll do whatever you want.”

She kisses along his jaw and then moans softly against his ear as she continues to grind against him, so he takes the initiative and slips his hand between them, his fingers grazing her right _there_.

“That…that’s good,” she says, and really, it’s enough.  Just about anything is enough right now, she’s so damn worked up.

“I really want inside of you tonight,” he pants.  “Is that okay?”

“Yes!” she says, probably a little too eagerly.  She climbs off of him and lies back on the couch, her legs splayed out invitingly.  He laughs as he climbs on top of her, and then he nuzzles his nose against her ear and admits, “I’m gonna need a few minutes.”

“Oh.  Right.”  Her hand is already back in his hair, happily playing with the curls.  None of this is weird at all.  Not even a little bit weird.  How is that possible?

His chin rests on breastbone, and he looks up at her with this sweet puppy expression.  His eyes are so blue it’s ridiculous.  “How ever will we pass the time?” he asks innocently, and she grins. 

He kisses his way down her body, and on the television, Captain America and Thor are evacuating citizens or something.  She’s _never_ going to make it through this movie.

She stretches out to press her palms against the armrest, and she clenches her entire body.  He goes down on her throughout the climax of the movie, but dammit she’s got other climaxes to worry about.

“Peeta?” she cries, her heels digging into the middle of his back.  “Are you ready yet?”

He’s on top of her and then inside of her in record time, and even in the middle of the lust-induced haze she realizes they’re not using anything.  It’s not easy to think while he’s thrusting, but she’s pretty sure her last shot is good until the middle of July.

She kind of wanted him to carry her into the bedroom, like old times.  But they’re obviously not going to make it off the sofa.

“Katniss, I-” and he grits his teeth against the crook of her neck.  “I…I can’t last much longer.”

“That’s okay,” she says.  It’s really not, but Peeta’s got an impressive recovery time.  

She knows he’s close when he digs his fingers into her thigh, hitching her leg higher up his waist so he’s deeper.  It only last for a few seconds more after that, and then he grabs the back of the couch and rests his head against his arm.

“That was terrible,” he says, and she scrambles to sit up, grabbing for the clothes strewn in front of her on the floor.

What was so terrible for him, she’s not sure.  She thinks he got a good deal out of it.  “I should go,” she says, and he bites his lip but he doesn’t try to stop her.

When she pulls on her shirt, she realizes he never even took off her bra.  And he didn’t kiss her!  Not once.  Was this a quickie?  Some sort of friends with benefits thing?  She didn’t sign up for that.

She can’t believe he didn’t kiss her.

She doesn’t say anything as she slips on her shoes and rushes to the door, and he doesn’t say anything, either.

 

**

 

Gale’s cursing up a storm as he struggles with the mini fridge, and Katniss makes sure to stay out of his path as he makes his way to Peeta’s pickup with it.

“Are you _sure_ you don’t want me to get it?” Peeta asks him.  He’s carrying a large box and he’s got a duffle bag slung over his shoulder, but he’s not breaking a sweat.   Gale looks like he just got out of the shower and threw on his clothes without toweling off first.

“ _I got it_ ,” Gale growls, finally setting it in the bed of the truck.  “Fuck!  Why is that so heavy?”

“Just a standard mini fridge,” Peeta says, shrugging.

“Yeah right.  You probably ordered some special, rich boy lead-lined one,” he says.

“Got it at Target, dude.”

Gale waves him off and starts walking to his car across the street.  “Don’t die on your way to Philly.”

“Thanks for helping me move, Gale!” Peeta calls out loudly.  “You’re a real pal!”

After Gale’s car rounds the corner, Peeta opens up the refrigerator and removes at least ten heavy textbooks from the inside, winking at her as he does it.

“I should go, too,” she says, suppressing a smile.  They haven’t talked about last night yet, and they probably won’t.  Whatever.  Katniss will just sort out her feelings after he leaves.  She hands him the messenger bag she carried down for him.

He takes it from her and carelessly tosses it in the truck, but when she moves to step off the curb, he grabs her arm, giving it a gentle squeeze.  “Stay?” he asks.  She tries not to roll her eyes.  What’s he want, a repeat performance?  No thanks.

“Why didn’t you kiss me last night?” she asks suddenly.  It’s been bothering her nonstop. 

His eyes widen a little, and he pulls his hand away.  “I wanted to.  I mean, I would have.  But…well, you know.”

“What?” she presses.

“Uh, I made a fool of myself?  And you were mad, and I get it.  I’m sorry.”

“I wasn’t mad about _that_ ,” she says.  “I was upset because you said it was terrible.”

He laughs incredulously.  “No, _I_ was terrible!  It wasn’t terrible.  _You_ definitely weren’t terrible.” 

“What are we even doing, Peeta?” she asks, folding her arms across her chest as she leans against the truck.  “Was that a mistake?”

“No!  God, that could never be a mistake.”  He looks away from her and rubs his forehead.  “Do _you_ think it was a mistake?”

“No,” she admits carefully.  “But what’s changed?  How are we any better off now than before?”

“I don’t know what’s changed, Katniss,” he sighs.  “But I know what hasn’t, and that’s how I feel about you.”

They’re both quiet, and it’s somehow the loudest silence ever.  “I love you so much, Katniss,” Peeta finally says.  “I know things aren’t perfect.  But it’s never going to be perfect, right?”

“You said that we both had things we need to work on,” she reminds him cautiously.

“Yeah, and we do.  It’s not like a camping trip with Martin fixed everything with my family and I’m perfectly adjusted now.  I wish there was a quick fix for it, but there’s not.”

“I know,” she says agreeably.  “Taking some classes part-time isn’t exactly solving all of my issues either.”

“Right.  But I was thinking, maybe we could work on things together?”

“Together?” she repeats.  It’s a nice thought (a great one, really) but she doesn’t think anyone can fix her.  It’s something she has to do herself.  It’s probably something that’s not even possible.  It’s not as if something is going to click and then everything else will fall into place for the rest of her life.  No one’s ever _really_ fixed, she thinks.  Life’s mostly just a series of cuts and stitches, with some cuts deeper than others.

But god, she _misses_ him.  She wants to _be_ with him.  Just the idea of being able to work things out is thrilling, and she has to bite her lip to keep from smiling at the thought.

“It’s going to be hard,” she says, in fair warning.

He reaches out to run his hand down her loose braid.  “It was never going to be easy.”

She takes a step closer to him and he smiles. 

“Can I kiss you now?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” she teases.  “ _Can_ you?”

He grins as he tilts his head and leans in, the first touch of his lips to hers soft and gentle, then she wraps her arms around his shoulders and pushes up on the tip of her toes to press her mouth more firmly against his.  She sighs, but it’s only a breath caught in the back of her throat until the kiss deepens.

“Oh,” she groans, sliding her hands around to his chest so she can play with the collar of his shirt.  “You’re leaving tomorrow morning.”  There’s a cold reminder of how hard this will be.

“Yeah,” he affirms, sadly.

“We wasted an entire summer, Peeta.”  Well, not technically.  Peeta’s summer session class starts July 2nd.  But they wasted what precious little time they had together.

He rests his forehead against hers.  “I have some good news, though.”

“You don’t have to go back until August?” she asks hopefully.  “And this whole packing thing was an elaborate ruse to torture Gale?”

“No,” he laughs softly.  “I still have to leave for that class.  But there’s a reason for it.”  He wraps his arms around her waist and brings his mouth to her ear.  “I’m graduating next May,” he whispers.

Her eyes widen.  “You’re graduating early?  An entire _year_ early?” she grins.  “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“I was afraid I’d mess it up,” he shrugs.  “I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure.”

“And you’re sure now?”

He nods happily.  “I’m also highly motivated.  It’s still going to be terrible, being apart, but all of my dental school applications will be out by September, and things will be so much easier after that,” he promises.  “I’ll be able to come home for breaks, too.”

Her smile falls a little.  It’s all the same old insecurities and concerns over the effect she has on him.  “Hey,” he says, reading her expression.  “I’m doing it for me, too.  For you, for me, and for us.”  He threads their fingers together and motions toward the bakery with their entwined hands.  “C’mon, let’s talk.”

She can’t stop the slow smile spreading across her face.  “ _Just_ talk?”

“Ah, I guess I owe you a couple orgasms, too, huh?”

“So you’re just counting last night?”

“Ouch,” he laughs, pulling her into the building.  “You wound me.”

The next morning, when they’re saying goodbye at her doorstep, neither of them can keep from smiling.  Every time he starts to leave, he changes his mind and goes in for one more kiss.  Finally she pushes him away, playfully admonishing his lack of self-control.  “What am I going to do with you?” she sighs.

He grins as he grabs her again.  “Anything you want.”

The next time their lips break apart, they both know he really has to go this time. 

“I love you,” she tells him, and he repeats it back to her, his eyes too bright and happy for this early in the morning.  He waves from his truck, and she watches him until the taillights disappear in the smog.

She slips inside and leans against the door as she works to smooth down her obvious sex hair, and then she sprints to her room, ignoring the amused look from Prim.

 

**

 

Professor Coin talked for six hours.  _Six hours._ It was the worst.

And on her way back to the dorm, she broke a heel off one of her stupid “professional” pumps.  It’s also one of the hottest Augusts on record and she’s pretty sure she’s going to have to peel the suit jacket off herself.  But it doesn’t matter, because she has the rest of the night free and she’s going to spend it in bed.  In that tiny, uncomfortable bed.

It’s not much cooler in her room, but at least they have an oscillating fan.  She slows as she passes it, bogarting it all for a few seconds, and then plops down in her desk chair and reboots her computer. 

She grabs for the package that was tucked between the shelf and a pile of papers, but it’s not there.  She reaches her hand further back, but all she feels is the cheap fiberboard of the desktop.  Annoyed, she searches all over, moving books, her laptop, the pencil holder.  She even checks the floor.

“Have you seen my bag of Skittles?” she asks her roommate, the quiet redhead in the corner who can’t be bothered to pull her nose out of her book.

“No,” she says simply from behind the cover of The Adoration of Jenna Fox.

“I had it right here on my desk.”

“Never saw it.”

 Katniss grits her teeth in annoyance.  She had an awful day and all she wants to do is kick back, relax, and taste the rainbow.

“Maybe you ate them already and forgot,” the girl suggests some time later, and Katniss scowls.

 

**

 

“She steals!  All the time!  My food, my school supplies, my _clothes._ ”

“You know, kleptomania is classified as impulse control, but a lot of leading psychologists categorize it with obsessive-compulsive disorder.  Has she shown any other signs of OCD?”

“I don’t know,” Katniss sighs into the phone.  “But I _do_ know that I’m definitely not cut out for a roommate.”

Madge laughs softly.  “Yeah, I kind of had the feeling you wouldn’t be.  I certainly wasn’t.  We’re a lot alike.”

“Yeah,” Katniss agrees, smiling to herself.  “You could have warned me, you know!”

“Nope.  You had to experience it for yourself.”

Now Katniss laughs because she knows that’s true.  “At least there’s only a few more days of this thing left.”

“Still on for dinner before I leave?” Madge asks.

“Definitely.  How’s the packing coming along?”

“Okay, I guess.”  She grows quiet over the line, and Katniss asks if she’s all right.

“I’m scared,” she admits.  “I’ll be staying in a flat with three other girls.  What if they hate me?”

“Why would they hate you?”

“I don’t know.  Some people just do.”  Madge is usually pretty self-assured, so it’s unnerving to hear her like this.  “They think I’m stuck up.”

“I get that, too,” Katniss confesses.  “It’s just because we’re quiet around most people.  You’re definitely not stuck up.”  It’s not really comforting, but Katniss isn’t very good with comforting anyway.

“You can call me any time you want,” she offers, imagining how lonely Madge might feel in England at first.  “I’m like a long-distance connoisseur at this point.  There’s lots of ways to stay in touch.  Skype’s good.”

“Yeah.”

“And hey, maybe you’ll meet Robert Pattinson!”

Finally Madge laughs.  “Well, that _is_ the dream!”

 

**

 

It’s a genius plan, really.  She can visit Peeta in Philadelphia!  It’s not as if it’s only now occurring to them, but it was never really feasible before with their schedules.

But she still has a couple days of vacation time left at work, even after using a significant amount of it for the conference at CSU.  And Peeta’s classes start a full week before hers do, and he’s not really swamped with work yet after only a week of lecture.  It’s actually kind of perfect timing.

When she suggests it, he breaks out into a smile so wide it looks painful.  “Seriously?” he asks, his chin resting on his folded arms as he looks into the webcam. 

“If you want.”

“Are you kidding?  There’s nothing I want more.”

“If I take off that Friday, I can leave mid-morning and get there after your last class.”

“And you’d stay Friday and Saturday night?”

“Sound okay?”

“Sounds perfect!  I’ll get us a hotel room.”

“Can’t I just stay in your dorm?” she asks.  He’s still got a single, and she really doesn’t need for him to go all out.

“I thought you were over dorms?”

“Not if you’re my roomie,” she teases.

“Then it’s a date.”

 

**

 

He emails her _the_ most detailed set of directions in history, and he lists all the rest stops and adds bullet points next to the ones he recommends with little notes like, _This one has a Starbucks!!!_ Three exclamation points.  Three!

He’s so excited, but as the time nears, he starts to worry about her drive.  Katniss isn’t concerned about that, but she is starting to worry about the visit itself.  Peeta has a whole other life there.  What if she doesn’t fit into it?  What if it just drudges up some of the insecurities they’re trying so hard to work through and get past?

“Don’t forget to call me as soon as you get off the exit,” he reminds her the morning she leaves.

“I won’t,” she promises. 

“But don’t call until you’re parked at the gas station!”

“I’m hanging up now, Peeta,” she warns as she gets into her car.

“ _Please_ be careful.  I can’t wait to see you.”

“Me too,” she smiles.  “I love you.  See you soon.”

He repeats the words back to her exactly and they disconnect.  Less than 30 seconds later, her phone buzzes with a text message alert.

_This is just a friendly reminder to never text & drive!_

She rolls her eyes and texts back, _replying to this message, steering with my feet._

As the miles between them melt away, so does a lot of her anxieties.  And they’re replaced with excitement.  She’s going to see Peeta soon.

 

**

 

He must have sprinted to the parking lot after she called from the gas station.  She spots him as she pulls in, and he opens her door for her before she has a chance to turn off the ignition.

“Hi!” he says, ducking into the car and hugging her.  She should probably play it a little cool, but she thinks, _Ah screw it_ and tightly wraps her arms around him as she grins from ear to ear.

He grabs her bags and her hand, and jabbers on endlessly as they walk to his residence hall, and that’s probably good because it gives her less time to freak out about interacting with anyone else at Penn.

The building is _massive_.  It almost looks like a skyscraper.  He laughs when she says it, but it’s seriously bigger than the dormitory she stayed in, and she thought that one was huge and intimidating.  It’s nice inside, too, with pool tables and couches.

They sign her in and then take an elevator to his floor.  “The stairs are good on the days you can’t make it to the gym,” he says, and she just nods dumbly because they keep going up and up.

“It’s Friday, so it should be pretty deserted,” he tells her before the elevator opens.  But it’s not, because there’s a rather large group of people hanging around one of the doors at the end of the hall.

“Great,” Peeta mutters, and his grip on her hand tightens a little.  One of the guys leaning against the wall straightens immediately.  “There she is!” he yells, clapping his hands as he and the others make their way toward them.

The man leading the way is actually ridiculously pretty, with dimples and bright green eyes.  She’s sure he knows just how good-looking he is, too.

“Katniss Everdeen, as I live and breathe!”  He takes one of her hands in both of his.  “I can’t believe you’re real.  I’ve had this long-running theory that you were actually some nameless Abercrombie model Peeta ‘shopped into all those photos.”

“Katniss, this is Finnick, the RA,” Peeta says, glaring at him.

Finn sidesteps Peeta to slip his arm around Katniss’s shoulders, ignoring Peeta’s protests.  “You have no idea how many people are just dying to meet you, Kat,” he says.  “Let’s go to the lounge so we can allll get to know one another.”

“Dammit, Finn, she _just_ got here.”

“Ah, shut it.  You’ve had blue balls for this long, a couple more hours isn’t going to kill you.”

Katniss is swarmed around for the next 45 minutes, and she’s having a really hard time keeping names straight.  She’s finishing up a cursory conversation with Thresh, a super nice guy who informs her that he shares a wall (“a really _thin_ wall”) with Peeta, when a tornado of long, frizzy blonde hair envelops her in a hug.

“I feel like we already know each other,” she says, squeezing tightly as Katniss awkwardly holds out her frozen arms.  When she finally releases her, she smiles as if they’re best friends.  “But just to be formal, I’m Delly!”

 _Delly._ She knew Peeta maintained a friendship with her after the project, but it’s still weird to actually be talking to her.  Delly chats happily for a few minutes while Katniss nods politely, until finally Peeta comes up behind her, snaking his arm around her waist and pulling her back to his chest.  “Hey Del,” he says kindly as Katniss relaxes against him.  “We’ve got to get her settled in.  She’s had a long drive.”  He’s tried to intercept with nearly every new introduction, but Delly seems to be the only one allowing it. 

They sneak away to his room, which is actually a single apartment.  It’s tiny but nice, and he just hangs out while she peruses the space.  Everything’s neat and in order, but his desk looks like it could collapse under the weight from all his textbooks.  She smiles at the set of framed photos lining the top shelf.  They’re all of her or them together, and she remembers taking each and every one of them.

In true Peeta form, there’s also Post-it Notes sticking everywhere, little reminders he always writes to himself.  She leans in to read one.

_Dear Monday Morning Peeta,_

_Don’t forget to send hard copies of the letters of recommendation to Dr. Aurelius this afternoon._

_Love,_

_Thursday Peeta_

She laughs and then looks over at the pile of applications next to his computer.  She’s careful to not touch anything, but she does reach for the slip of paper on the top.

“I thought you were set on Pitt,” she says, reading over the list of dental schools, most with checkmarks, some without.

“I am,” he says, walking toward her.  “But the committee wants everyone to apply to at least six schools, so I’m doing it to get them off my back.”

“Oh.”  She guesses it makes sense, and she looks over the list again.  It looks like he’s applied to Pitt, Penn, Temple (boo), Ohio State and Case Western.  And Harvard.  For some reason, _that_ one bothers her.  “Looks like you’ve been busy.”

“Definitely.”  His lips find her throat, and he peppers kisses along her pulse point.  “And I think I deserve a couple nights with my girlfriend for my efforts.”

She smiles, her eyes closing in content as he continues his attention on her neck.  “I think that can be arranged.”

Later, when she’s on top of him (definitely her favorite position!), all she can think about is Thresh’s stupid thin wall and how _loud_ Peeta’s being.  He’s always loud, but it’s one thing when they’re in the apartment above the bakery and quite another here.

Katniss slides the fingers she had been so eagerly sucking out of her mouth and shushes him _again._ “They’ll hear you!”

“No one, ahhhh, can hear anything.”  He thrusts up and she grinds down in response, and he’s so _deep_ and it feels so _good_ and it’s getting increasingly difficult to reprimand him for anything when she’s starting to lose herself, too.

She begins to move faster and he calls out, “Fuck, Katniss, yeah.  Just like that.” 

“God, Peeta, you’re so…loud!”  Then she hits a spot that makes her clench her thighs, and it’s like it becomes impossible for him to keep quiet, so she hauls him up against her and wraps her legs around his back.  A deep kiss keeps his mouth occupied, and when he breaks that, she pushes his head down to hold it against her breasts.

But it backfires majorly because she comes as soon as his mouth latches onto her nipple, and then _she’s_ the one calling out far too loudly.

“Well,” Peeta laughs breathlessly a few minutes later.  “They definitely heard _that._ ”  She slaps at his back, but she’s laughing, too.

 

**

 

It was hell leaving Peeta after such a great weekend.  He showed her all over the campus and city, and she had a genuine Philly cheesesteak that was insanely good.  He also took her up to the “roof” of his building, the Heyer Sky Lounge, and they spent a lot of time on the comfy couches, just staring out at the beautiful Philadelphia skyline.

But the _best_ part was that she didn’t feel out of place there.  It’s like Peeta’s there, so she belongs there, too.  She also got along great with all of his friends, even Delly.  When she got home, she laughed to see a notification of a Facebook friend request from her. 

It’s nice, though.  It makes her feel included.

 

**

 

Peeta was home for both fall break and his Pitt interview, but winter break is the one she’s looking forward to the most because it’s the longest and since they’re both done with their semesters, the only thing they’ll have to worry about is work.

The first night he’s back, they agree to double with Gale and Bristel at the movies.  Katniss is looking up the showtimes online to confirm the plans when Peeta says, “Hey, I’ve got something to show you.”

 She looks up to find him unzipping his jeans, and she shakes her head and turns back to the computer screen.  “I’ve already seen that.”

“No,” he chuckles, sliding his pants down just past his hips.  “This.”

She glances up to see him pointing to a tattoo.  A _tattoo_.  Her mouth drops open in shock. 

“I succumbed to peer pressure,” he shrugs.

She reaches out to tentatively touch his skin.  It’s of a cluster of three-petaled katniss flowers intricately woven around their stalk.  The ink starts right on his hipbone, and while the tattoo isn’t huge, it’s exquisitely detailed. 

“Did it hurt?” she asks, because that seems to be what everyone says when they’re shown a tattoo.

“It wasn’t too bad.”

She can’t seem to stop tracing it with her fingertip, and a slow smile takes over her face.  “You have a tattoo of a _flower_.  I think you just effectively ruined yourself for all other women.”

“You did that a long time ago,” he says while caressing her cheek, and the statement sends her heart racing a little.

She hooks her fingers into his belt loops and pulls him closer so she can press gentle kisses along his hip and stomach, and then she looks up to watch him as she slowly slides the waistband down further.  “Well, then let me ruin you some more.”

 

**

 

Working 40+ hours a week while taking college classes is a little more daunting than Katniss expected, but she thinks a lot of that has to do with the fact that her business courses are so _boring_.  So she’s both excited and relieved when she signs up for a biology course for the next semester.

The first day of classes, she’s scrolling through her text messages when Johanna unceremoniously plops down in the seat next to her.   “What are you doing here?” she asks.

“What do you think?  I’m being introduced to Botany.”

“I thought you were taking the year off.”

“Eh,” she says with a wave of her hand.  “Time off is overrated.”

“So you came here,” Katniss says, chuckling.  “In the same class as me.  At _my_ school.”

“I didn’t realize you owned the whole damn university,” she retorts, growing agitated.  Katniss’s lips are pursed together in amusement and it clearly annoys the hell out of her.  “That’s right, I’m here because of you.  Maybe I’ll even grow out my hair and wear it in a stupid braid all the time.  Maybe I want to _be_ you, Katniss Everdeen.”

Katniss holds her hands up defensively, but she can’t quite get rid of her smile.  “I’m just saying, maybe you missed me.”

Johanna rests her head on the desk and closes her eyes.  “Shut up and take good notes.”

 

**

 

Peeta calls her in the middle of January to tell her that he’s going to Boston for an admissions interview at Harvard.

“But why?”  She doesn’t understand.  He got his acceptance call from Pitt in early December and they were both ecstatic. 

“Mostly because my parents want me to, but I don’t know, I kind of want to see for myself if I can get in.  I was already waitlisted again by them.  It’s like it’s personal now.”

“Do you want to go there instead?” she asks timidly.

“Oh god, _no_ ,” he promises, rushing to placate her.  “I just want to see if I can charm them into accepting me so I can finally reject _them_.”

She believes him, she decides firmly after they hang up.  He doesn’t _really_ want to go to Boston for dental school, it’s just a matter of pride.  Maybe she’d do the same thing with Temple if ever given the chance.

No, he definitely doesn’t want to go to Harvard.  And he definitely isn’t settling for Pitt just because of her. 

Right?

 

**

 

Peeta calls her in early March to tell her that he’s been officially accepted into Harvard Dental.

“I mean, I was waitlisted forever.  And I’m still probably low on their list of top choices, seeing how long it took to get that call.  But I got in!”

“Yeah,” she says, trying to muster up some enthusiasm for him.  “Congratulations!”

“It felt _so_ good to turn them down.  We need to celebrate when I come home!”

“We will.”  It _is_ a little consoling to know he’ll be home next week for spring break.  Seeing him and being with him always helps to chase away all these insecurities.

“Peeta?” she asks, nervously twisting a strand of hair around her finger.  “Are you sure you don’t want to go there instead?”

She can hear his soft sigh over the line.  “I’m absolutely sure.  I promise.  Okay?”

She smiles to herself, content with his reply.  “Okay.”

 

**

 

He met his parents for dinner his first night home, but Katniss had to work late so she couldn’t join them.  She wasn’t too heartbroken over it, either, to be honest.

But that was _hours_ ago and he’s still not back.  She waited around while the staff closed down the bakery, and then she let herself into his apartment.  Now she’s flipping through the channels while periodically checking her phone and trying to not get too freaked out.

She hears him climbing the steps just before nine, and she stands to meet him at the door.  “Where were you?  I was starting to worry.”  She knows something’s wrong because his eyes are red and his hair’s sticking up like he’s been running his hands through it nervously all night.

He hugs her, happy to see her for the first time in weeks, and softly inhales the scent of her shampoo as he rests his head on her shoulder.  Considering how far he has to stoop to do that, it can’t be comfortable, so she leads him over to the couch.  “What happened?”

“I just got into it with them,” he shrugs, taking a seat.  But Katniss knows he’s more upset than he’s letting on.

“What about?”

“I told them I got into Harvard.  And then I told them I wasn’t going.”

“Oh.”

This is it, she thinks.  It’s all starting.  Everything from before comes screaming back at her and she knows she has to let him go.  It’s going to be so hard.  Can she even do it again?  She has to at least try, she realizes.  She loves him too much to not at least try, but her heart’s already breaking at the thought of-

She stops the inner monologue and rush of conflicting feelings as soon as she sees the tear rolling down his cheek.  “Peeta?”

He sniffles a little and wipes at his eye.  “I just…I just wanted them to be proud of me.”  A few more tears fall now, and he tries to quickly brush them away, but she grabs his hand and wraps him in an embrace.  He reciprocates immediately, his arms locking around her.

“She kept saying how stupid I was for passing up this opportunity,” he tells her, his words muffled against her chest.  “And he just sat there and didn’t say anything.”

“I’m sorry,” she says, stroking his hair.  “That’s wrong.  They’re _wrong._ There are so many reasons to be proud of you, Peeta, and they’re idiots for not seeing it.”

She holds him tighter to try to ward off the silent sobs now wracking his body.  “Sometimes I don’t even know where you came from,” she whispers, mostly to herself.   He loves _so_ much despite never having enough people loving him back in the same way.  “I don’t know where you came from but I’m so glad you’re here.”

It only takes a couple minutes for him to calm down, and then he pulls away from her and tries to smile.  “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize.”  She curls up next to him and rests her head against his arm.  “And if it helps, _I’m_ proud of you.  I’m ridiculously proud of you.”  She really is.

Now he actually does smile.  “Will you come to my graduation?”

“Of course!”

“They’re not,” he admits.  “I told them not to bother.  It’s the same day as Yale’s commencement, anyway.  Rye can have them both.”

She continues to run her fingers through his hair, hoping he can take at least some comfort from the gesture.  “I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

 

**

 

He calls the night of his birthday and she grins when she hears the loud music and boisterous laughter in the background.

“Finn does’t waste any time, huh?”

“Nah, none of them did.”

“So how drunk are you right now?”

 “Not nearly drunk enough to be in this gross bar,” he laughs.  “But I’ve got a nice little buzz going.”

“I really, really wish I could be there.”  His break ended four days before his 21st birthday and she hates that she’s missing it.

“Me too, but hey, this is the last birthday we’ll be apart.  That’s something.”

“Yeah,” she says happily.  “That’s definitely something.”

“So.  What are you wearing?”

“Um, I’m not going to have phone sex with you while you’re sitting in some bar,” she laughs.

“Ah, c’mon!  Just a little tease.”

“Nope.  Not happening.”

“I bet I can guess, anyway,” he says cockily.  “You just got home from work, so you took a shower.”

Well, she always does that.  “I did,” she confesses.  “But that’s my routine.  I’m not impressed.”

He continues undeterred.  “Um, you have a test tomorrow night, right?  So you’re probably getting ready to study.  That means you took out your contacts and you’ve got your glasses on.  And if you’ve put your glasses on, you probably aren’t planning on going out again, so you’re already in your pajamas.  Am I right?”

“Don’t you have some appletinis to drink?”

“So I’m right.  Now I just have to figure out which pajamas you’re wearing and I can officially set the mood.”

“I don’t know if you’re being cute or creepy.  I’m leaning towards creepy.”

“I’m thinking it’s that ratty old Penguins tee and flannel bottoms?”

“Nope,” she declares proudly.  “Game over.  Happy Birthday.”

“No, no.  I get another guess _because_ it’s my birthday.”  She hears a mumbled voice in the background and then Peeta says, “Hold on a second, I gotta take this shot for Thom.”  She can hear the phone being jostled around and shortly after that, there’s a chorus of cheers.  “Okay, I’m back.”

“You should go,” she says reluctantly.  “Enjoy this with your friends.”

“Yeah,” he agrees with a sigh.  “I miss you though.  I already miss you so much.”

“Me too.  Call me again tonight?  Maybe I’ll let you know what I’m wearing then.”

“Really?”  She can practically hear his smile.

“Why not?  It’s your birthday.”

“Ah god, Katniss, I’m so far gone.”  His voice sounds a little distant and dreamy.

“Shots will do it,” she chuckles, and he laughs too. 

“Uh, that’s not what I meant,” he sighs happily.  “I love you.  I’ll call you later.”

 

**

 

Everyone seems to think Peeta’s going to propose after his graduation. 

Surprisingly enough, Madge starts in on it first when Katniss is ruminating on how she has no idea what to get Peeta for graduation because it’s so difficult to buy gifts for him.

“Well, he probably already has your gift, so you better make it good,” she teases.

“Why would he get _me_ a gift when he’s the one graduating?” she asks sincerely, but Madge only laughs.  It’s not really like her friend to joke about sex, but she figures that’s what Madge is implying.

“Come on, Katniss!  He’s probably had a ring picked out since kindergarten!”

_A ring?!_

Prim’s the absolute worst, though.  She likes to leave catalogues all over Katniss’s desk with dog-eared pages highlighting _the_ ugliest bridesmaid dresses she’s ever seen.

“Purple’s really my color,” Prim says.  “But let me show you something in green.”

Katniss sits stone-faced as Prim flips to another page.  “Lovely, huh?”

She can’t help the way her lip curls in disgust.  “That’s not green, it’s neon!”

“Neons are _so_ in right now!”  She points to the different styles available.  “The halter’s nice, right?”

Katniss pushes the magazine away, shaking her head.  “This is dumb, Prim.”  Then she actually catches a glimpse of the dress Prim was eyeing.  “And that looks like something Julia Roberts wore in the first act of _Pretty Woman_!”

“God, Katniss!” Prim cries as she flounces out of the room dramatically.  “You have no sense of style!”

 

 

But Gale?  She never thought Gale would be in on it, too.

He calls her one Saturday afternoon and asks if she wants to go to the mall with him.  It’s an unusual request, but she has some free time and she could go for a smoothie.

As she’s slurping down the last bits at the bottom of her cup, he nudges her toward Helzberg Diamonds.  “Hey, uh, let’s take a look.”

She eyes him skeptically but follows, mostly out of curiosity.  The salespeople are preoccupied with other customers so he browses the displays without being harassed. 

“What are you looking for?” she asks him.

“Hypothetically speaking, if someone were to propose to you, what kind of ring would you like?”

Propose?  All she can hear after that is the blood rushing in her ears.  He’s going on about princess cut versus round, solitare or three-stone, classic and canary, but she’s not registering a word of it. 

It’s as if the walls are closing in on her and the smoothie she just drank is now a lead weight in her stomach.  Did Peeta ask Gale to do this?  Are they really picking out a _ring_?

Oh god, she can’t breathe.  She literally cannot breathe.  This is not happening.

 _Get it together, Katniss!_  She has to get out of there, she knows that much.  So she grabs her phone and pretends to be answering a call.  “Prim!  Hi, Prim!  Sure, I’ll be there!  Yeah, _right now!_ ”  She looks over at Gale and grins like a loon.  Are her teeth chattering?  It feels like her teeth are chattering.  “You just hold tight and I’ll be there soon!”  She ‘disconnects.’

“So that was Prim!” she tells him, and her voice is higher than a prepubescent boy’s.  She needs to take off before he says anything else about rings, or even before the sweat forming on her brow starts dripping into her eyes.  “And she needs a ride!  So I have to go.  But we,” she punches him in the arm. “We will talk soon.  Bye!”  And she rushes out as fast as her little legs will carry her.

 

 

So when her mother comes into her room a few weeks later as she’s packing for the graduation trip to Philly, Katniss braces herself for the inevitable lecture.  She really doesn’t want to hear about how they’re too young or how it’s too soon.   Mostly because she agrees, and she _hates_ agreeing with her mother.

She’s been trying to drop subtle hints to Peeta that marriage is something they’re not ready for, but at the same time she doesn’t want to hurt him.  It’s a very delicate process.

_“Hey, did you know studies show that marriages are more likely to succeed if both partners are at least 25-years-old?” she told him earlier on the phone._

_“Really?  Huh.”_

_“Yeah.  And these are, like,_ scientific _studies.”_

_“You don’t say.”_

_“It’s fascinating, really.”_

_“Sounds it.”_

“So you did it,” her mother says as she takes a seat on the edge of Katniss’s bed.

Katniss doesn’t bother looking up from her suitcase.  “Did what?”

“Survived three years living mostly apart.  That’s pretty impressive, honey.”  She grabs one of the shirts and starts folding it herself, but Katniss takes it from her hands and shoves it into her bag.

“Are you excited to have Peeta back home?” she asks.

“Of course.”

“It’ll be much easier on the both of you.”

Katniss doesn’t respond, and finally her mother reaches out to still her hand, which has been fiddling with a zipper for minutes now.  “Sweetie, I know you’re still mad at me about a lot of stuff.  And I understand that.  But I just want you to know that I am so proud of you.

“I wish I was more like you,” she continues.  “I wish I had even an ounce of your strength.  But what happened to me after your father left…you have to understand that it wasn’t my choice. If I have a choice, I’ll always choose you and Prim.”

Katniss doesn’t respond, so she sighs softly and then pats the hand she’s touching.  “I’ll let you finish up.”

“Mom?” she calls out to stop her from leaving.  She takes a breath and tries to smile.  “Do you want to help me pick out a dress to wear?”

Her mother happily agrees and comes to stand next to her to look at the options.  “I was going to ask Prim, but she has terrible taste,” Katniss says.

“She really does.”  And they both laugh.

 

**

 

She spent the weekend in Philadelphia, and it was wonderful.  Martin attended the graduation ceremony, too, and they were both beaming with pride.

When they returned home, Peeta moved into an apartment in Oakland.  Gale, newly engaged to Bristel (and Katniss felt like a fool when she put that together) again helped with the move.

He’s still getting settled in, and she’s spending a lot of time at his place because it’s closer to school than her house is, and that comes in handy now since she’s decided to go for a Bachelor’s in Biology.  She still doesn’t know exactly what she wants to do with it, but she knows she has plenty of time to figure that out.

And so far the only proposal Peeta’s made is the suggestion of Chinese for dinner.

“Sounds good,” she says, kicking off her shoes.  They’ve settled into a really nice routine, and she loves spending the nights with him. 

After he’s ordered their food, he sits next to her on the couch and grabs her feet.  “Hey, there’s something I wanted to ask you.”

“Mmph?” she asks, her eyes drifting shut as he massages her heel.

“What do you think about making this official?”

She sits up immediately, her mouth dropping open.  Oh no.  Is this it?  She looks around, and there aren’t any candles or flowers or unicorns.  Surely Peeta would arrange for unicorns.

“What do you mean?” she asks cautiously, and he just laughs. 

“I mean, just move in already!”

Living together?  Like officially living together?  She doesn’t hate that.

“You want us to live together?” she asks, just to be sure.  He nods.

“You want me to be here all the time?  And for all of my stuff to be here?”

“Yep.”

“You want me to eat dinner with you _every_ night?  And to help pay the rent?”

He looks like he’s just considering that for the first time.  “Hey, yeah!  That’d be awesome, actually.”

“You want to live together?” she asks, just one more time.  She wonders if her smile matches Peeta’s.  It probably does.

“Yes.”

She doesn’t answer, just bites her lip as she considers all the possibilities. 

“Did you know studies show that living together can be a great way to strengthen a relationship?” he asks.  “ _Scientific_ studies.”

She can’t fight the grin overtaking her face, and she hurriedly crawls into his lap, her arms wrapping around his neck.  “Oh my god, Peeta!  We can be two broke college students, living together!”

He buries his face in her hair and hugs her.  “Sounds great, huh?”

“And since you’re cut off, _I_ can finally help _you_ out, too.”

“I’m not cut off, I’m self-exiled!”

She ignores him in her excitement.  “Oh this is great.  I have so much to teach you.  Peeta, I’m really great at being poor!”

Once she calms down enough to process it all, she finally and _officially_ agrees with a beatific smile.  “I thought you were going to propose,” she can admit now, and she laughs to herself as she caresses his arm.

He hooks his finger under her chin to lift her head, and when his eyes meet hers, she knows, without a doubt, that he’s in love with her.

“Spoiler alert,” he says, his lips quirked up in an adorable smile.  “I _am_ going to propose one day.”

She tries to match the intensity of his gaze, because, god, she really hopes he knows how much she loves him.  That she loves him without a doubt, too.

“Spoiler alert: I’m going to say yes.”

 

-The End

 

 


End file.
